I started yoga again because I wanted to try to slow my ever whirring brain and I wanted to find some form of relaxation. It has definitely helped with relaxing me to a certain point. However, I have come to the conclusion that I will never be that chilled out Mother Earth that I had hoped I would become when I became a stay-at-home mum and moved to Jersey. I am someone who will always remain ever so slightly neurotic, will always be juggling balls and will never quite feel organised enough. I have found doing yoga at home a very different experience to when you do yoga in a class. Therefore, I thought that I would share the thoughts that this wannabe yogi has when she goes to class
13 Thoughts You Have During Your First Yoga Class
- Hang-on a jiffy this can’t be beginner’s yoga. Look at that girl over there, she’s practically bending herself in half. How is she doing that? SHE IS CLEARLY NOT HUMAN. I can’t believe this is a beginner’s class. I can’t even bend my knees without them creaking and I seem to be in a room with bendy contortionists.
- She is telling us to remove our socks. Oh say this isn’t so. It’s okay I’m sure everyone has gnarly feet just like me. That woman has had a pedicure! Who has time for a pedicure? Hang-on she actually has smiley faces for nails. Not only did she have a pedicure, she asked for smiley faces. Oh I am mortified with my plain wrecked nails. Oh look at them. I’m sure they don’t look this bad at home. What’s that? A bunion, oh my good grief I have bunions. I have the feet of an 80 year-old woman. That 80 year-old woman has my feet. Give me back my feet!
- Who are these women? They look like they have escaped from some fitness magazine. They all look beautiful and bendy. I bet they don’t have to worry about ripping their yoga pants in downward dog. Urgh I feel sick. They must have wealthy husbands and they bought this beauty. Or, perhaps this is what I will look like if I continue with yoga. Ooooh yes, I could become a beautiful bendy person.
- Where should I put my mat down? I don’t want to be class geek and go at the front. Plus everyone will be able to see me there. I need to hide at the back. Oh hang on is that where the cool yogis hang out? I’m not a cool yogi. Perhaps I should hide in the middle. Yes, hide in the middle and blend in. No one will see you there.
- Oh there’s the teacher. Hang on I can’t see her. Damn it I should have gone near the front. What’s this, she’s given us a yoga brick. What am I am supposed to do with that. Act cool. Pretend you know what you are doing with it. That’s it, wave it casually at your neighbouring yogi. Show them that you have a sense of humour, karate chop it. F&Ck that hurt! Should not have karate chopped it. People now think I am insane.
- The teacher is talking another language. What are these positions she is asking us to do? I can’t do this! Just copy the lady in front. I’m going to lose my balance. Don’t lose your balance. I’m going, I’m going. Style it out. STYLE IT OUT. Play it cool. Jump up. No one saw. I’m sure everyone still thinks that you are a professional. Good work.
- Oooh I’m starting to feel relaxed. Too relaxed. Did I just break wind? I think I just broke wind. Oh I am mortified. It was silent. I don’t think anyone realises. Don’t get that relaxed again. Focus! Keep the buttocks clenched.
- The teacher wants me to do what with my legs?! Well she has clearly never pushed a baby out of her vagina! If I contort myself into that position I will quite possibly wet myself.
- Heavy breathing with tongue out….now I just feel silly. Okay, I will do it. Oooh last night’s chill con carne. I knew I had put too much garlic in.
- Ooooh child’s pose. I like this. Let me stay here. I can do this. Can I stay here forever?
- Close our eyes? If I close my eyes I will fall asleep and start snoring. I am that sleep deprived. Hang-on casually open right eye and see if everyone else has their eyes closed. Yes, everyone is closing their eyes. I will close my eyes.
- I FELL ASLEEP AND DRIBBLED.
- That’s it? The class is over? I DID IT! I FEEL AMAZING. Check me out, I’ve got this yoga thing down to a fine art.
Have you ever tried yoga? If so what thoughts run through your head?