Yes, it’s another walking the Moonwalk post and now I am sharing what walking the Moonwalk marathon is really like. I would apologise but I’ve just walked 26.2 miles so let me have my moment and milk it until the cows/walkers come home! Anyway, if you are thinking of walking the Moonwalk marathon and you have stumbled upon this, then don’t read this now. Read it after you have walked the Moonwalk marathon. I do not want to be responsible for putting you off walking the Moonwalk marathon and walk it you should! You will feel amazing…..once you have finished it. If you have no aspirations of walking the Moonwalk marathon then stick around as I am going to share with you the real side of walking the Moonwalk marathon, warts and all.
What walking the Moonwalk marathon is really like
- Moonwalk city is an amazing place. You won’t want to leave it. You will want to stay there forever. They cruelly evict you and tell you to walk 26.2 miles
- Before you have walked the Moonwalk marathon you will feel confident. 2 miles in and you will hate your former cocky, confident self.
- Before you walked the Moonwalk marathon you saw some other Moonwalkers in the pub getting tipsy and having 3 course meals. You scoffed at them for being so silly. During the walk you wish that you had stuffed yourself silly and had consumed booze. If you die on the Moonwalk you realise that your last meal will have been tomato pasta and water.
- At the start of walk you act like an idiot. Strutting down Clapham as if you are at the Olympics open ceremony. You are high-fiving passer byes, taxi drivers, randoms and drunks. You whoop every time someone toots their horn. At the end of the walk you are hugging yourself and anytime someone hoots their horn you mouth – “f&ck off”.
- At the start of the walk you love the support of those drunk people. At the end of the walk you consider pushing those drunk people under a bus
- During the walk you realise that filling your bumbag with plasters, water and phone was stupid. You should have filled it with miniatures. A mini gin and tonic would have taken the edge of mile 15.
- At the start of the walk you are singing in your head “I’m the king of the jungle, booo hooo booo” at the end of the walk you are singing/crying “I did it to myself, I diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid”.
- At the start of the walk you want to chat and sing. By the middle of the walk you want silence. You decide that silence is golden.
- At the start of that walk you didn’t realise how you should have made the most of that last wee. You didn’t realise how during the walk you would come very close to wetting yourself. Like sneeze and the floodgates would have opened, close.
- During the walk you realise that Mother Nature is a cow bag. Starting your period at mile 8 when you have no sanitary towels, toilets or chocolate is far from ideal.
- At mile 16 you remembered that you hated PE at school. You now have the realisation that your teenage self is far wiser than your adult self.
- At mile 17 you consider just laying down and never moving ever again.
- At mile 18 you have a life changing moment. You realise that you weren’t built for walking and that is why the car was invented. The car was invented so that we don’t have to walk miles and miles again. Again, you realise too late that you are stupid.
- You spend the whole of mile 19 using the word f*ck as if it is punctuation.
- By mile 20 you aren’t just using the word f*ck as punctuation, you are just using it constantly – “f&ck, f&ckity f&ck”
- By mile 21 you are really disliking life and everyone in it, including your friends who seem far too chirpy for a marathon.
- By mile 22 you are negotiating with yourself –
Positive Me: Walk another mile and I will reward you.
Negative Me: With what?
Positive Me: Anything you want.
Negative Me: An hour in a room with Ryan Gosling and a jar of Nutella.
Positive Me: Deal.
Negative Me: Ooooh. No, hang on I’m happily married. How could you encourage me to smother Ryan in Nutella?
Positive Me: We don’t have to get into the details now.
Negative Me: I will have the Nutella, just give me some toast instead of Ryan.
- At mile 25 you realise that the last stretch is up a slight incline. That slight incline feels like Everest right now. You decide that the organisers are clearly sadists to make you do this.
- At mile 26 you debate getting your bra out but realise that both your boobs have escaped it and decide that Clapham and your team mates aren’t ready for that scary sight.
- At mile 26.2 you cross that finish line and you wait for the “yaaaaaay” moment to hit. It doesn’t as you are too exhausted. You lay down and wait for the paramedics.
There you go! That’s what walking the Moonwalk marathon is really like. Have you ever walked a Moonwalk marathon? What would you add to the list?