Ahhh, it’s that time of year when the day of love is upon us. The day that we must act loved-up NO MATTER WHAT. Oh hang-on, I’m married. A-ha, that is a whole different ball game. If you are married or in a long-term relationship, then this guide is for you. I have previously written about the reality of Valentine’s Day, post children. If you don’t fancy going and having a read (please do) then I will sum up the post for you in three words –
Romance is dead
If you are married or in a long-term relationship then Valentine’s Day is a no win, if you are throwing children into the mix too, then there really is no help! You may as well hibernate for the day. I am begging you, stay away from petrol station forecourts pushing roses that look half-dead, yet are the price of a small mortgage. Also, steer clear from any restaurants. They will all be crammed full with young, lovey dovey couples whispering sweet nothings. Do not go into a card shop unless you want to be assaulted by a sea of nauseating pink and over sentimental scribblings. Do I sound bitter? No, I am just practical but before you start to think I am a completely miserable git, I am here to help you. Now I realise that some married couples will insist on marking Valentine’s Day. If you are one of these mad couples then I have just the thing.
Sir/lady, do you have wife or girlfriend to woo? Then this guide is for you. Oh look, I’m a poet and I know it. I could have written a Valentine’s Day card. Roses are red, violets are blue…..
How not to do Valentine’s Day
Don’t do it. No one wants to be handed a card with a puppy carrying a heart in his mouth. No one wants to read a poorly constructed poem about love being like a fairy-tale. We all know that this ISN’T TRUE! Love is no fairy tale when you are having to examine your husband’s bottom for piles! Love is not sacred when your husband sees what is growing on your foot. This is real life people, life is not pretty, life is not a fairy-tale!
Also do not write a card in which you tell your wife that she is the most amazing person ever. Bleugh – it just feels forced. If you really thought she was amazing then you would show her that and you certainly wouldn’t wait for Valentine’s Day. Save the £5.50 (it’s Valentine’s Day this means everything is expensive) and buy her a magazine instead. Run her a bath to go with the magazine and she will be very happy. Just make sure you have emptied the bath of toys. No one wants a submarine up their bum!
It’s a cliché and an expensive one at that.
Do not buy roses.
We all know that they cost the earth on Valentine’s Day. On the other hand don’t buy carnations either because we all know that they are cheap. See, you are on a no win here and that’s before the flowers have even died. No one wants to be reminded how rubbish they are at keeping anything alive. Steer clear of flowers!
Did you not read the memo!? It’s sugar-free February! That means she hasn’t had chocolate for two weeks and now you have placed a huge box of delicious chocolates in front of her. She will either reprimand you for being a selfish pig (remember she is grumpy because she hasn’t had sugar for two weeks) who doesn’t listen to her –
“I knew you weren’t listening! Do you ever listen? Why don’t you listen? I told you I was doing sugar-free February!!”
Or, she will dive head first into that box and eat the lot. That’s fine for now but when she starts to feel sick the remorse will kick in. You will be blamed. Steer clear of the chocolates!
You decide to surprise her with a romantic dinner out. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Now childcare will have to be sorted, an outfit found, a razor sourced (it will probably be yours) and then an evening in a crowded restaurant surrounded by much younger, loved up couples who are whispering sweet nothings to each other. However, on your table the wife will be giving you death stares. If you want to go out for dinner best do it another day of the year. Stick to a take-away for Valentine’s Day. Steer clear of romantic meals in restaurants.
Who is this really for? You or her? This is a no win. There is no way you that you are going to come out of this smelling of roses (sorry, not sorry). Go for something really slinky and small and she will admonish you for buying underwear that is impractical, and then she will proclaim it to be too small when she tries it on and you will be in the bad books as she blames her weight gain on the chocolates you bought earlier. Buy her something that is red and she will call you a cliché. Go for something that is sensible and practical and she will accuse you of not finding her sexually attractive and will suggest that she books into a nunnery. It’s a no win. Steer clear of sexy underwear
I have covered it all. I have helpfully told you everything that you should not be doing. However, this is Valentine’s Day so we are clearly going to have to do something, despite being a pair of sad marrieds. If you too are a sad married then I can share the secret of what you should be doing for your wife on Valentine’s Day
- Run her a bath
- Give her a fish bowl of wine, leave her to marinate.
- Once she has thawed out in the bath, get a takeaway
- Netflix and chill
PS I actually meant Netflix and chill, get your mind out of the gutters
PPS Valentine’s Day I love you really, I’m just playing hard to get.
Do you have any plans for Valentine’s Day?