It’s the New Year and apparently we should all be feeling shiny, new and fantastic. What twaddle. If our months were colour coded then December would be sparkly and glittery, and January would be a very dark blue, verging on black. If months were people then December would be the life and soul of the party and January would be skulking in the corner somewhere. The January blues is real people and it’s sat next to me right now, festering. If I have to read another headline telling me that the new year means a new me then I will self-combust or at least stomp over to the fridge and pour myself a large glass of wine. Don’t even mutter dry January to me.
I will not be this grumpy for long. However, I do find January hard. It’s just a little bit rubbish, isn’t it? Christmas is like having a load of crazy house guests to stay. It whizzes in, full of life and all very lovely. The kids get over excited, rules are relaxed and they become borderline feral. The house feels very crowded, perhaps a wee bit claustrophobic but full of life. We are all busy rushing around looking after Christmas and enjoying the company and then……..
Christmas hops on that plane and is out of here, leaving you with nothing but a messy house and a slightly larger waistline. You are also left with two very emotional children; you feel exhausted and flat. It takes it out of you: Christmas is intense. This year, after deciding that our house really isn’t suited for hosting Christmas and having people to stay (open plan living might be lovely in theory but it also means there is nowhere to escape to. Dad, there is only so many times you can keep pretending to go to the loo before everyone thinks that you have a urine infection) we “escaped” on holiday. This was lovely, until I had to come back and now I have the January blues combined with the holiday blues and the biggest pile of holiday washing. Fun! Therefore, let me get it all out of my system by sharing with you all why I rather dislike January.
10 reasons why I dislike January
- Resolutions. Why does the dawn of a new year mean that we all feel the need to set resolutions? Resolutions that we will write-up into our diary on January 1st and promptly forget by January 2nd. January sees us becoming convinced that this is the year we will win the Nobel Peace Prize, whilst appearing on the Apprentice and simultaneously being applauded by the press for saving the programme by being the best candidate ever. Not going to happen. If we really wanted to change something then I don’t think we would wait for a new year to do it.
- Sad Christmas trees. I can’t bear to see a dying Christmas tree or forlorn- looking Christmas decorations up in January. There really is something quite depressing about keeping your Christmas tree (that was once proud and bushy but is now bald and neglected), up for the whole of December and January. Get rid.
- Every time someone says in a jolly way, “I just wrote 2016 instead of 2017. I can’t get used to it”. This makes me want to scream. It’s one digit people. You only have a problem if you spent the first half of 2015 writing 2005. I’m going to blame that one on delayed baby brain.
- If people telling me that they are getting their digits wrong makes me want to scream, then you can imagine what I want to do to myself when I then find myself writing 2016 or 2005…
- Dry January. January is already depressing enough so why do we feel the need to torture ourselves further by doing dry January? I will let you know at the end of the month. I am a glutton for punishment.
- Juicing. Now I love a good juice and this is my breakfast of choice. However, completing a juice fast for the month of January is crazy. Why would we do this to our body in January? You have just spent the whole festive season eating yummy food and now you are making your body consume green juice, anything that looks like a glass of snot can’t be all good. Can it?
- Gyms. We are like lemmings, and I am the biggest one going, January sees us dashing to sign up to the gym. I become convinced that I am suddenly going to discover that I am actually an Olympian. You can only imagine my disappointment when I have to admit defeat a mere month later. Still the sauna is nice, I just have to time it so that I am not in there sitting alongside my next door neighbour. Something rather awkward about discussing bin collections with your semi-naked older male neighbour and his paunch.
- The cold: it’s so cold. I hate the cold. Everyone is sneezing and coughing and bleach and anti-bac gel becomes my best friend. Robbie Williams was criticised for applying anti-bac after shaking the hands of people in the audience. He shouldn’t be criticised but applauded. However, this comes from someone who douses her own children in anti-bac. 2017 should be the year when we are all carrying anti-bac around our necks. 2016 was a germ-ridden one, we have to make sure 2017 doesn’t become one too!
- Celebrities on beaches. While I am sat in the dark, on a sofa feeling bloated, I do not want to see pictures of slim celebs sunning themselves on the beach in Barbados. They could at least have the decency to look miserable, or look as if they have eaten one too many mince-pies.
- Back to school. Urgh. Dashing around, no more lazy mornings. Me having to take on the role of Sgt Major to ensure that we get out of the house on time. Repeated barking of “put your shoes on” and “hurry-up we are going to be late”, then the completing of homework, dashing to after-school clubs, locating of school uniform and the list goes on.
However, it’s not all bad news because at least January is a relatively short (if dark) hangover from Christmas. Then we have February, ahh the month of love; red roses, make that expensive roses and restaurants full of couples looking lovingly into each other’s eyes. We like to treat ourselves to a Marks and Spencer’s dine in for £10, except it is isn’t £10 because it is Valentine’s Day and therefore the price has been hiked up to £20. Then we have Groundhog Day too. Oh well, as least it will be March soon.
I am off to hibernate. See you in March. On a serious note I hope that you aren’t suffering from the January blues. If you are, then be kind to yourself.