Disclaimer – I was slightly delirious with flu when I typed this conversation
The other day I was swearing at my computer. I had spent the whole day trying to come up with a new email list. Simples you are thinking. Nope, it took me too long. In fact, I was close to quitting blogging altogether. I had even shouted at Philip Schofield on This Morning for being too smiley. I know, as if anyone can get cross at the Silver Fox. I was clearly not in a good place. Then my phone rang – Mum
Mum: You sound harassed.
Me: That’s because I am!
Mum: What have you got to be harassed about? If anyone should be harassed then that’s me. I’ve had to visit your Nan. I took her out to lunch.
Me: Oh you didn’t!
Mum: I did.
Me: You must be running out of places to take her too. Hasn’t she insulted most of the waiting staff in Chelmsford?
Mum: It’s ok we went to the Fox and Raven. They have a nice turnover of staff there.
Me: Hmm, not normally a good sign.
Mum: But in this case very good. It means I can let your Nan moan about her beef not being thin enough without worrying.
Me: Was she going on about her beef curtains again?
Mum: Oh yes. She sent the poor waitress back 4 times. She kept shouting “bring me back thin beef curtains, I’m talking nets. I want to be able to see through my beef curtains”
Me: Oh good grief.
Mum: I know but the waitress took it incredibly well, do you know every time your Nan shouted beef curtains, the waitress looked like she was going to burst out laughing. She kept holding her hand over her mouth. I mean what’s so funny about beef curtains?
Me: I have an idea but I am not going there.
Mum: Yes, well after enduring your Nan for a couple of hours I came home to find that your Father had been to the library.
Me: He had been to the library!
Me: But he hates libraries.
(My Father hates libraries despite being an avid reader. If he wants to read a book then he buys it. He has a phobia of pre-owned books, or books that have been read by other people. He worries about where their hands have been. I’m not even joking. Once, the kids put on one of his hats (he has an extensive collection, mostly Panama hats that make him look he has escaped from some sugar plantation. In fact a car once pulled over to ask him if he was a pimp. It was the hat) Anyway, he freaked out. He seems to think that my children are infested with nits. They aren’t (touch wood). He refused to wear the hat again and replaced it with another pimp hat, despite having 22 other identical pimp hats in his wardrobe. My Father getting a book out is very strange behaviour)
Mum: I know!
Me: What was the book?
Mum: You don’t want to know.
Me: Oh no, please don’t tell me it was 50 Shades of Grey
Mum: I wish.
Mum: You are such a prude. How do you think you came to be on this earth?
Me: The cabbage patch.
Mum: No wonder your Biology teacher wanted you to take extra lessons at school.
Me: He did not! I was in top set.
Mum: Thanks to me.
Me: Erm, no thanks to me.
Mum: Erm, no thanks to me and getting him drunk at the PTA meeting with some mild flirting thrown in.
Mum: Don’t act so appalled. If I had left it up to your academic ability, then you would have rotted away. It’s thanks to me and some innuendo that you have a Science GCSE.
Me: Wow, thanks for that.
Mum: No problem. The book your Father was reading was the Dummies Guide to Blogging.
Me: (chokes on chocolate digestive) WHAT!!!!!
Mum: Yes, he read an article in The Daily Mail.
Me: Oh good grief.
Mum: It said how bloggers making money are on the rise. It’s the next big thing.
Me: I think that The Daily Mail is about 5 years too late with that article.
Mum: Your Father has decided that it will be a nice easy way of topping up his pension.
Me: BLOGGING IS NOT EASY!
Mum: No need to shout.
Me: It’s not easy Mum and yes you can earn money from it but that’s not easy.
Mum: Well I know that, I have told your Father how you turn down most of what you get offered. How you liken it to selling your soul to the devil to accept random companies that you don’t believe in appear on your blog.
Me: I don’t think I used those words. Oh well, what did he say to that?
Mum: That he will happily sell his soul to the devil if it means he can afford to get a hot tub in the garden.
Me: Oh no Mum, not a hot tub.
Mum: I know. He wants cheese and wine nights in the hot tub.
Me: Not your natural combination.
Mum: Yes, but when he gets a thought in his head there is no stopping him.
Me: What’s his site going to be? Grumpy Git. *chuckles to self*
Mum: No, Michael Moves
Mum: As in Yoga moves.
Mum: He is going to V-L-O-G. Your V-L-O-G-S have inspired him.
Me: Why are you saying vlog really slowly?
Mum: Tricky word, doesn’t flow, doesn’t feel right.
Mum: He is setting up a YouTube channel as he says that is where it is at. He is calling it “Moving Michael”.
Me: Really they should both be the same name. Something to do with branding.
Mum: Yes, he has thought of that. He wants a USP.
Mum: So he is going with naked.
Mum: Why not?
Me: Why would anyone want a blog with Dad naked and a YouTube video with Dad naked.
Mum: Why not?
Me: Because you don’t want to see a swinging sausage as you eat your breakfast.
Mum: More like a Frankfurter.
Me: Good grief. Totally inappropriate.
Mum: One word – PRUDE!
Me: Right, I’ve got to go.
Mum: Ok, well your Father will probably send you an email later. He is setting up Instagram at the moment and he wants to know if there is an Instagram community for naked yoga and what HASHTAGS to use for his first photo. Is there a HASHTAG for naked yoga?
Me: I’m going.
Mum: Also twitter, he wants to know how to get b-e-n-d-i-n-g.
Me: Byyyyyye Mum. Not listening. Hanging up. Stop talking can’t hear you.
There you go blogging is easy and apparently we can all make money from it. What do you think? Also any ideas for a hashtag for naked yoga?
Subscribe to my blog for more conversations with my mum.
Fill in your details below and get exclusive news and posts straight into your inbox. I look forward to cracking open a can of fizzy pop. It’s a classy place in the Island Living 365 VIP section 😉