Father of 2, William (or Willy as he is known to his friends) has reportedly left his wife, Kat, home alone with their 2 children, so that he can enjoy a weekend away with the lads.
We decided to pay the wife a visit and went round to their estate. At first Kat was very supportive claiming that
“My Willy works very hard, whether it be flying the sick and the poor round the back and beyond, shaking hands with the lowly or trying to stop George from terrorising Nanna. He deserves this little weekend away.”
However, once we had shown Kat pictures of her little “Willy” hitting the dance floor in Verbier her attitude changed,
“What the actual. I am left here to look after these two brats and he is hitting the dance floor and dancing. This is outrageous. You do not go to a nightclub and dance! What the hell is he doing going to a nightclub! He is a father and over 30, he is not allowed to have fun!”
Kat was clearly very upset by this shocking revelation and slammed the Farrow and Ball painted door in our face, telling us that she had a family party to go and get ready for which
“Bl**dy Willy is missing. The things he will do to get out of a family gathering.”
Disgusting behaviour. Kat was later a no show to the family party, she was clearly too distraught about the fact her Willy was shirking his responsibilities. Not only has the family man left his family behind but he is also drinking and having fun when he should be attending a family gathering. Poor Kat, left at home alone with the children, and the nanny, and the stand-by nanny, and the maids, butlers, cleaners, gardeners and let’s not forget us, the door-stepping press. Poor Kat, she must be really struggling without Willy at her side.
Being The Daily Fail investigative journalists that we are and not at all lazy, we decided to investigate further as we were determined to make a story out of this. We decided to pay Willy and Kat’s neighbours a visit. 8 miles away we knocked on the door of his neighbour – Mr Edward Fwa Fwa of Hoitey Toitey land and asked for his opinions on Willy. He told us that he was a “lovely chap” and how Willy would sneak out of the back door from “her indoors” to meet him at their local. According to Eddie, Willy once adored his wife but since having children she had taken her eyes of the crown jewels and now Willy was no longer top dog. Eddie also told us how Willy had caught his wife cheating on him with Tom Hardy. Apparently Willy arrived home early, after dropping off the helicopter, and caught Kat drooling over Tom on C-beebies.
We asked Eddie if he had seen the footage of Willy hitting the dance floor and he replied that he had and that he thought it was
“Bl**dy brilliant, although not as good as his usual dancing. He is a pro at the sl*t drop. His a good lad. You can’t blame him for wanting to let his hair down and have a bit of freedom. He is also rather jealous of his younger brother Hazza. He isn’t tied down by children and the press leave him alone to sh*g his way around the world. Who can blame Willy for wanting a bit of the Hazza action”
Whilst chatting to Eddie we received new footage that showed Willy putting his hand round a girl’s waist for at least a whole second! When we showed this to Eddie he was aghast –
“The lad has gone too far now. That is against all protocol. Everyone knows that on a lads’ weekend you don’t actually talk to a bird like she is a human. You are supposed to keep your distance whilst shouting – look at the knockers on that. This is below the belt. He looks like he is listening to her and everything”
Eddie was clearly in deep shock at this blatant breach of man code. We left him to his can of Special Brew and Snapchat films of Willy’s japes. They mainly seemed to consist of Willy flashing his crown jewels at all and sundry.
From our investigations it has become apparent that Willy is not just a devoted family man and employee, he is also a bloke that likes to drink, dance, chat and have fun. It is time for Willy to stop ‘raising the roof’ with his dancing and get back down to living behind closed doors. We are living in Brexit world and that means we don’t want to see pictures of Willy looking happy and living a life. As this article was about to go to print we had a phone call from Willy’s Uncle Andy who was delighted that the press had finally realised “what the real Willy is like” Rest assured Andy we now see that Willy is just a normal bloke. Shocker.