How not to vlog

*I would like to put a disclaimer out at the start of this post. If you are reading this and you know me from my real and day-to-day life then

please do not watch the vlog.

Don’t do it to yourself. You may never be able to look at me in the eyes again. The shame.*

Last weekend I came back from BML and I was all enthused. I had decided that vlogging was where it was at. I was excited to give it a go. However, I had forgotten a few key things –

• If I am going to be on camera then I need to wear make-up. A lot of make-up!

• If I am going to be on camera then I need to sit still. Like really still!

• If I am going to be on camera then I need to be happy with how I look.

• Also I am not a 19-year-old with endless enthusiasm and a line-free face. In my head – yes! In reality – no. *Sobs*

I had a go at making my vlog with some grand dreams running through my head. Perhaps now my dream of TV stardom would be realised. Countryfile? Newsnight? CBeebies? Maybe a guest role on Topsy and Tim. Perhaps I could be Topsy and Tim’s new mum. Yes, I know I was getting ahead of myself. I had forgotten about that one time I did audition to be a children’s presenter. Forgotten or wiped it from my memory? All I know is that I ended up in a pub afterwards. I cried into my pint whilst my friends tried to comfort me with words of – “it wasn’t ALL bad” Yes, it was. Flashbacks tell me that I fell on my face, I talked even faster than normal and that I nearly vomited over the director. How not to audition!

Despite this I recorded my vlog. It is hideous, awful and just plain terrible. I had vowed never to show anyone. However, that would be against the spirit of my blog. Therefore, I am showing you some of it, a lot of it has been deleted FOREVER. This was the time I tried to vlog. This is my guide –

How not to vlog –

Firstly, think about the face the freeze frame will show when you upload it. Classic example of the face you don’t pull is below!

Can I come out from behind my hands now? Cringe. In the original vlog there was even more cringe worthy material. Here are some further points to consider when thinking about HOW NOT TO VLOG!

• Make sure your camera is set up properly. People want to see the top of your head!

• Don’t vlog from the car. People will see you and think you are talking to yourself. Word will get out that you are mad. Yes, my neighbour may have come across me vlogging in the car. What was I thinking?

• Don’t vlog at the end of a long and stressful day. Yes, by the end of the day my face had travelled south. I also had more wrinkles and huge bags under my eyes.  No one wants to see that.

• Don’t vlog in a poorly lit room. This is not mood lighting and you are not at a romantic meal. The audience would probably like to see you.

• Don’t vlog whilst your neighbours are putting their kids to bed. The backdrop sound of screaming kids is not a soothing one.

• Have a general idea about what you are going to talk about.

• Don’t waffle! This is what I did because I didn’t think about the above point.

• Make sure you are clear about why you are vlogging. I know that sounds really obvious but I really wasn’t clear why I was vlogging. I’m still not clear now. However, that is true for nearly everything in my life. I sometimes question why I write this blog. Why we moved to Jersey. Why I walked away from my career. Yes, I’m not sure of anything really and I think that really came across in the horror movie that is my vlog.

There you go. This was my how not to vlog guide. I hope that you have found it useful. If you are thinking of doing a vlog my biggest piece of advice would be –

“Think about my vlog and do the complete opposite”

Do you have any tips that will help me vlog? Please tell me you do in the comments below 🙂

In the meantime I may have to leave Jersey.