*It’s late on a Thursday night and the finalists for the MADS have just been announced. I am not surprised to find that I haven’t made the finals despite my mum’s incredulous voice when I tell her –
“not at all darling?” My mum croaks down the phone.
“No Mum” I reply as I hear what sounds like a cork being pulled out of a wine bottle, “Mum are you pouring wine before bed, at this time! It’s quarter to 11 at night!”
“Exactly darling, it’s past 5pm and therefore wine o’clock. Me and your Father like to have a glass of wine before bed. Chin, chin sweetie. With any luck it will knock your Father out and he won’t try any hanky panky” My Mum giggles down the phone.
“Ugh, Mum stop. Can we get back to the matter in hand” I hear Dad shouting for his Chateauneuf du Pape. I can feel that I am losing their attention so I shout down the phone,
“put me on the bloody speaker phone”
“ok darling, no need to shout, you already are”
“Great” I holler “Mummy Daddy And Me – Me this is about ME! Not you two. I didn’t make it to the finals but that is fine, there are so many…”
“I just don’t understand” my mum murmurs, “I voted for you in every single category. Do you know how long that took, the wi-fi kept going down as well. I made your father stick his dongle out of the window too.
“Mum, how can you have voted for me in every single category. I’m not pregnant you know”
“Aren’t you? I mean you have been looking a little a little porky lately” I hear my father trying not to laugh, pretending that he is having a cough fit instead.
“Mum I think I would realise if I was pregnant!”
“Oh that is disappointing, I was rather hoping for another grandchild. I mean you have two girls which I am delighted about for you because I realise that having two girls means that you have a lot of bonking”
“Mum, I don’t think that is actually scientifically proven”
“Yes it is. With you, me and your Father were at it like rabbits, then with your brother, just the once”.
Then she lowers her voice and whispers.”Then never again, the wine is the trick you see, sends him fast asleep, that and the sleeping pills I crumble in it”
“Mum I am pretty sure that is illegal, you are quite possibly MAD”
“Yes, as are you which is why I was pretty sure you would make it to the finals of the MADS. That is why I voted for you and got Eunice from next door to vote for you too”
“Mum, I said I didn’t want anyone to know that I write a blog and besides it would take more than you and Eunice’s vote to get me to the finals. There are thousands and thousands of good blogs out there”
“Oh I know darling, that is why I told the whole village, you were even on the front of the Advertiser. Bit embarrassing now you haven’t made it actually. Oh well don’t worry about it. I tell you what you carry on as you are, you’re doing grand, just write like no-one’s watching.
“MUM! Are you having a flipping Tigerlilly Quinn. How do you expect me to do that. You have told EVERYONE. You seriously need to cut The Parent Crap out. I am going to be scarred for life. Is it any wonder I am normal growing up in the Extraordinary Chaos that I did”
“Alright young lady you can get down from that Tin box Traveller you might be, living in that fancy Jersey but I can still drag you back to Essex. Don’t forget your roots and who you are talking to. Growing up we were Skint Dad and I had to scrimp and save for you and your brother so you could do all of your after-school clubs. Mum’s Savvy Savings got you and your brother far”
“Argh, I just can’t make my mind up Mum”
“That’s why I am ringing, the thrifty category is so tough, it’s between two and I don’t know who”
“Look I’m an amazing woman but I am A Mummy Too and I know that you are hurting”
I fight the urge to slam the phone down and desperately search for my inner calm whilst my mum is still nattering away in my ear.
“you remember her, you went to school with her, you know she is the Mummy Of Boy Girl Twins. I don’t know how she does it. You want to take a leaf out of her book”
“What” I mutter.
“Well she just looks Absolutely Prabulous and she has twins you know. What is your excuse. Perhaps if you had worn a bit of lippy you might have made it to the finals”
“Mum it is about BLOGS!! Not lipstick, they can’t even see me, what difference would a bit of lippy have made?!”
“a nice red one, that would look lovely on you, hang on your father is muttering something….oh actually he has just reminded me that you look a bit like a man in drag when you wear lipstick so best steer clear”
I finally lose it, my voice raised several octaves I shout –
“Mummy Daddy and Me this should be about me. No one else. I NEED YOUR HELP. What should I do? Who should I vote for, there are just so many good blogs. What am I going to do. I can’t cope under pressure. Argh!!!!!” I find myself stamping the floor.
“Mum.” I whisper down the phone, “are you still there?”
“Mum, I’m sorry about shouting. I just got a bit passionate about it all”
Finally, My Mum clears her voice and replies in curt, clipped tones.
“Never in all my life have I ever heard such a Right Royal Mother of a tantrum. You should be ashamed of yourself. You can’t blame this on passions, this is just you having a strop. Now you need to pull yourself together. Fill in those votes, do it today and then you can forget about it. Do you hear me?!”
“Yes Mum, you are quite right, I apologise completely.” I mutter feeling ashamed.
“Good girl, now I have to dash as I need my beauty sleep I am going to be on a vloggy thingy tomorrow”
“You what? You mean a vlog!”
“Yes darling that’s the one. The lady over the road, very nice she is, has two children and a husband who is nuts about all things golf, she’s called Mrs Meldrum, she’s going to make me famous, I’m going to be in one of her vlogs. Exciting eh. Perhaps you should make a vloggy”
“Vlog Mum, it’s a vlog and you might be right actually, I just need to pluck up the courage”
“Nothing to be scared of darling, have faith and chase those dreams. Night sweetie, don’t let the bed bugs bite”
“See you later alligator” I reply before hanging the phone up and climbing up the stairs to my bed.
*This might or might not have been how last Thursday evening went. This is not a fictional (*cough*) post in which I try to ever so subtly slip in names of the blogs that I think you should be considering. Absolutely not. I would also like to point out that my mum doesn’t drink ever and I really don’t have a clue about my parent’s sex life. Thank goodness. However, parts of this post were inspired by a conversation I had with my mum…..
Back to the MADS you can also find the full list of the finalists here *
There are so many good blogs on the list so please take the time to check out all of the finalists, if I could have squeezed them all into this post then I would have done but I have waffled enough as it is 🙂
Remember to vote
Why not vote today so you can forget about it! Whilst you do that I am going to learn how to make a vloggy. Now I think Mrs Meldrum knows a thing or two about vlogs…..