I feel restless.
I don’t whether it is down to the fact that I have been unable to exercise for the last couple of weeks but I have all this pent up energy that I have been unable to use. My brain has been running away with itself and I have found my mind flitting from one thought to another, but mostly to the future.
We moved to Jersey as it gave us an opportunity for a better family life. Back in the UK we were both working long hours and whilst I loved my job it would have been nice to have had the option of working part-time. However, childcare was so bloody expensive that part-time wasn’t an option, it wouldn’t have paid the bills and everyone knows that there is no such thing as a part-time teacher. Therefore, we left our family and friends and decided to give Jersey a go. We left with promises of returning soon; as soon as we had saved up enough money for a deposit on a house, as soon we were in a better financial position.
Anyone that knows me will know how I struggled to find my place on Jersey. How I missed home, how I missed Yorkshire. Yet, I could see how happy the girls and Mr C were and I felt really selfish for not feeling the same way. However, recently something has changed, it’s like a cog has shifted slightly and for the first time I am starting to feel at home on this beautiful island. Yes, there are still days when my heart aches for the Yorkshire moors and I find myself wanting to go back to our old home, to be able to sit in the sun room one last time and watch the clouds gather over the rolling hills. I will always miss Yorkshire but Jersey is its sunny mistress. I am now not sure how I would feel if we had to leave the island behind. If I was told that I would have to say goodbye to the sunshine (well, when it’s not foggy), the beaches and the glorious restaurants. Jersey might have been a slow burner but somehow it has crept up on me, snuck in and found a place in my heart.
In the past I was always demanding that we make plans to leave the island in 5 years, or before the girls reach secondary school. I was always planning when we could return home or try somewhere new like New Zealand (I would still like to try New Zealand one day), I am now accepting that maybe our plans should be to stay here. We are now planning where to move on the island next. We are now planning what my next move should be because come September Youngest will be in school. She will no longer be my baby. For a while I was pinning my hopes on having another baby but this looks more and more unlikely and perhaps that is a blessing for a number of reasons. I have been warned that to have another baby would be dangerous and I am very lucky to have two very healthy (and loud) girls. I have a family and we are complete as we are.
Therefore, for the first time ever I am able to think what I would like to do. What career would I like to carve out for myself? I could return to teaching. Yet, there appears to be no part-time teaching jobs on the island and I am not sure I want to return to a world of education that seems to be going backwards. An education system that seems to have forgotten about ‘Every Child Matters’. (We no longer have an inclusive education system but an elitist one.) No, I think it is fair to say that I have ruled out education. Therefore, I have decided to focus on my freelance writing and this blog. I also have a novel that I need to finish/get going/finish just 2 sodding chapters! One that I was making great progress on but then had to peel the hundreds of post-it notes down from the wall as we decided to put the house on the market. The post-it notes are filed away but I am excited at the prospect of getting them out again and being able to return to my novel. However, a part of me worries about that. I mean how many wannabe writers are there out there? There is no guarantee that it will get published and then what, will I have wasted my time? No, because sometimes we have to have faith and if doesn’t get published at least I can say that I tried. I don’t want to regret never trying. One of my good friends from university knows that I have been banging on about writing a novel for a very long time.
I feel restless and excited because for the first time, come September, I will have the luxury of time. I will be able to try and carve out the career that I want. A career that I can work around my family. As part of this, I am attending a digital media course. I am loving it so far and I am finding it fascinating. We will be working with clients on real life campaigns. I am so excited by this and I am hoping that it will give me the confidence to approach other potential clients. As well as this I am also securing more regular freelance writing work which is incredibly exciting.
For the first time in ages I really feel like I am looking forward instead of backwards. I might be sad that I will no longer have my babies, but I am excited about the freedom I will gain. I am excited to get a little bit of me back again. I feel like life is waiting for me to grab it again. I feel like I am running at it, well hobbling due to the Achilles tendonitis 😉 , but either way, I’m excited.