Where to begin with this post. I feel that I immediately should launch into thanking you lovely lot for helping me get to the finals of the BiBs, however, that would make for a very short blog post. So let’s start at the beginning.
When I started my blog in January of this year I had no appreciation of the amazing journey it was going to take me on. It had been raining a lot, so much so that the days just seemed to merge into each other. I think it is fair to say that I wasn’t in the best of places. I was fed-up. I loved being a stay-at-home mum but the monotony was starting to wear thin. I was missing my old life; my family, my friends, my career and even my house! In fact I wrote the below poem last year which pretty much captures how I was feeling. Now please be kind, I feel very scared sharing this with you on my blog.
I miss how my life had been,
our lives in our old squat house
made of Yorkshire stone.
An old Nurses’ home for a hospital
long gone, but the house stood proudly,
still, rooted to the earth, next to the old
pillars that once were a sweeping drive
but now the start of a wild wood,
with its dense undergrowth and
tangled trees with spindly limbs,
that reached for the sky.
I miss our house,
where in the early hours
of a cold December Morning
my labour started, as outside
silent ice formed, I ran
a hot bath and thrashed
without a sound
as not to wake
the sleeping house.
I missed the room that caught the sun,
painted in stark white, with sloping roof
and the windows which turned
your head to view the leaning hills,
which with every season brought
a new picture
to be framed still.
I miss how in the dead of night
as my baby slept
the darkness rolled in
from the hills and the wind
loudly shook the roof,
and rattled the door,
banging the gate outside
as my husband cursed.
Writing has always been my therapy and for a while I dabbled in poetry. However, there came a point where I just felt that motherhood and being a stay-at-home mum was stifling me. I felt unable to write anymore and so I stopped. For about 9 months I felt that I couldn’t write anything. Every time I sat down I was faced with this fear that I couldn’t form the sentences. I couldn’t form the poems. Anything I wrote sounded insincere, false and contrived. That was until January when I found myself tentatively writing again. I decided to blog my way out of it and I have been blogging fast and furious ever since. I didn’t start this blog with the BiBs in mind, I didn’t even know what they were back then. I started this blog because I needed to. Blogging has helped me fall in love with writing again and in some respects it has made me appreciate my life that little bit more.
To have made the finals of the BiBs is amazing, glorious even and I haven’t stopped smiling since I heard the news. I am still convinced that it is a typo because there are so many amazing blogs that didn’t make it to the finals, blogs that I love to read everyday. Blogs that really deserved to be on that finals list.
How it started, the beginning of the BiBs announcement
Wednesday night I found out that the BiBs finalists were going to be announced early, in fact they were going to be announced the very next day – Thursday. When I read this on my timeline I might have shouted
Please find below the transcript for –
Dinner a-la duck
Oldest shouts in her best teacher voice, “Excuse me, what did you just say mummy?”
Muttering in my head. “Oh sh*t, Oldest heard me swear, ride it out, ride it out. Make eye contact, she is a machine and she can tell when you are lying”
“Mummy!” Oldest barks again but this time she has moved from the dining room table and is now stood at my elbow. I swear she could be a silent assassin I make a mental note to perhaps broach the subject of getting locks on our bedroom door with Mr C. Perhaps I should be sleeping with one eye open. I turn whilst remembering eye contact.
“Yes d-d-darling” I stutter. I can feel my left eye starting to twitch. Oldest is good. She should work for some top government agency, she could interrogate spies, she could break them with a look. Oldest sighs and flicks her hair.
“Mummy, did you just say a very naughty word?” Her eyes bore into me. I try not to flinch. I feel hot and clammy.
“N-n-no darling, of course not, you know that your mummy never swears. Daddy’s the potty mouth not mummy. I was just shouting out oh duuuuuuuuuuuuuck, I forgot the duck for tea”
Oldest suddenly pales and she looks aghast.
“You are going to cook duck?”
“Yes” I reply curtly. “I have decided that we need to branch out and stop eating things that are just covered in breadcrumbs. Wave goodbye to your fish fingers, chicken nuggets and smiley faces and say hello yummy duck” I rub my tummy to emphasise my point.
“Nooooooooo” Oldest starts to wail. This causes Youngest to leave her pirate ship where she is forcing Mr Tumbles to walk along the gangplank. I realise too late that I have saved Mr Tumbles from being gobbled up by sharks. I ask myself if I would have saved Mr Tumbles from sharks in real life. Hmmmmm. My thoughts are interrupted by Youngest pulling on my sleeve.
“Mummy, what this?” She points at Oldest who is now in full-on drama queen mode and banging her chest whilst loudly pretend weeping. Oldest shouts.
“Mummy is going to force us to eat Duck as in Duck from Sarah and Duck”
“Whaaaaaaaaaaaat” Youngest looks at me, tears threatening to spill from her eyes. “Why would you do that Mummy?” I look down at her big blue eyes and feel a wave of guilt.
Inside my head I am now singing “f*ckity-f*ck”. I chide myself. I need to take control of the situation. Stop this snowballing. Nip it in the bud.
“Yes, I am cooking DUCK. Yum it is delicious and it is what Duck would have wanted.”
“Noooooooooo” both the girls wail.
“How about I cover Duck in breadcrumbs?”
In unison they shout –
“yes please” and Youngest pipes up “and ketchup too mummy? It’s what Sarah would have wanted”
“Of course darling” I reply, “we will smother that little duck in devil’s sauce”
It’s official cover it in breadcrumbs and my two will eat it.
That is how I found out that the Bibs were going to be announced a day early. Post to follow on what actually happened when I found out!
In the meantime I want to say a huge thank you again. Thank you for voting for me, you have made me a very happy lady 🙂 xxx