The following is a make-believe. It did not really happen! However, Donald Trump really did happen. We now have President Donald Trump. 🙁
I asked Emma if I could write on her tiny, insignificant blog and she declined my offer, she’s a nasty woman. But I’m Donald Trump, I can do whatever the hell I want. Also, You know, it doesn’t really matter what [they] write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass. I‘m Donald. I just received the call to say that I am president and I wanted to share with you my ten step guide to trumping your way to the top:
To prepare for my campaign I did a lot of research. I mean a lot. I got on Amazon and I bought myself a book, ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’. I mean, I didn’t need to do it, the beauty of me is that I’m rich. I could have bought the presidency if I wanted to.
Here’s how to trump your way to the top:
1. Appearance. We are living in a world that places a lot of value on how we look. I mean if a woman doesn’t look after herself then she can expect me to call her; fat, pig, slob, dog and disgusting animal. To look like a president apply lots of fake tan. Also a big bouffant of hair is majestic. I look like a lion. Fierce. What’s the secret of my popularity? Honestly, it’s my looks. I’m very handsome.
2. Don’t criticise, complain or condemn. When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending the best. They’re not sending you, they’re sending people that have lots of problems and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bring crime. They’re rapists… And some, I assume, are good people. I was very generous, I said that some are good people. I totally nailed that. But then I would, my IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault.
3. Praising people. You should lavish people with praise. I think the only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest and my women are more beautiful. Also have you met my daughter? I’m always praising her, I’m a proud Father, I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.
4. Be emphatic. I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words. Americans don’t want walls breaking, they want me to build walls. I am emphatic, I am all about their fear.
5. Smile. Women cannot resist my smile. All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.
6. Encourage people to talk about themselves. I am all over this. Number one, I have great respect for women. I was the one that really broke the glass ceiling on behalf of women, more than anybody in the construction industry. The only card [Hillary Clinton] has is the woman’s card. She’s got nothing else to offer and frankly, if Hillary Clinton were a man, I don’t think she’d get 5 percent of the vote. The only thing she’s got going is the woman’s card, and the beautiful thing is, women don’t like her.
7. Know when to use suggestions instead of direct orders. I am very subtle when it comes to using suggestions. You see I
am a massive cock I am very well endowed. I don’t need to say it, I just suggest it – My fingers are long and beautiful, as, it has been well documented, are various other parts of my body.
8. Acknowledge your own mistakes. I once said about Rosie, If I were running ‘The View’, I’d fire Rosie O’Donnell. I mean, I’d look at her right in that fat, ugly face of hers, I’d say ‘Rosie, you’re fired. However, I have shown that I have changed because I recently said I won’t comment on Rosie. I wish her the best. See? In the old days …,I’m making progress. I feel very proud.
Emma: Erm Donald, you didn’t actually acknowledge your mistakes.
Donald: Yes, I did!
Emma: No, if you look a….
Donald: Stop talking. I’m am a man and I’m president, men like me never admit our mistakes. Let’s carry on shall we.
9. Be friendly, no matter how angry the other person may be. I always take the high road. I know what you are going to say Emma, so do not interrupt me little lady. Yes, I once said you’re disgusting. To put this into context she was the opposing lawyer in a court case and she wanted to take a break to pump breast milk for her 3 month old daughter. It was disgusting, does she not know who I am? I wait for no lady. I could have got really angry but I didn’t, that was me holding it back.
There you go Emma, that is my 10 step guide to trumping my way to the top.
Emma: Erm, Donald, that is nine steps.
Emma: Yes, Donald, look nine steps
Donald: Thanks sweetie. That’s nice
Emma: Oh do one Donald
Disclaimer- This did not really happen. I would never let the real Donald on my blog *shudders*. However, the italics, those are quotes. I did not make those up. Yes, Donald really said those things.
I will try to articulate my feelings on Trump but right now I am too utterly depressed. I am fearful for our world, fearful for our future.
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