I love the bones off my children. I am insanely proud of them and even though I am very aware of their flaws, I will excuse this as their quirks or reassure myself that they are just children, and no child is perfect, except for mine. Ahahaha, but I am clearly deluded because my little two darlings are far from perfect, in fact, they can sometimes drop me in it. They have a habit of saying the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times. Let’s discuss. I am calling this my therapy.
The other day we had to tell our two some sad news. Now we thought that our Oldest might be a bit upset by the news and we were fully expecting it to go straight over Youngest’s head. So as we sat round the table eating our dinner we decided to tell the girls the news. They had already seen their daddy crying and we felt that they would want to know why. No, it turns out that despite their daddy sobbing his big bear heart out less than 1 metre away they were completely oblivious. This is despite them never having seen Mr C cry ever, really. I can only assume that they were completely baffled and thought that he was merely choking or that he had something stuck in his eye.
Anyway, we shared the news. We waited for our oldest, who is very sensitive, to get upset or at least ask some questions. She carried on eating and didn’t pause. Then Youngest interrupted us. Oh, perhaps she is more on the ball than we thought. We steadied ourselves as Youngest opened her mouth.
“I learnt how to spell a new word today mummy, FUCK!”
she shouted the last bit loud enough for the whole of Jersey to hear. Mr C and I looked at each other. Hmm, not quite the insightful and comforting word we had been hoping for.
“I can spell it too…”
Mr C and I assured her that it wasn’t necessary but she insisted.
We breathed a sigh of relief as I made a mental note to work on her pronunciation, again.
We turned to Oldest and she opened her mouth, we prepared ourselves to offer some reassuring words.
“I know we are clearing out the freezer before we move, but this is disgusting. Can I have marmite on toast please?”
There you go. You can always rely on your child to bring humour to an otherwise rather depressing moment.
Oldest takes after Little Granny in that she will say it as it is and no sugar-coating is needed. In the past she has told me to stop dyeing my hair as it was just getting more and more yellow. For the record, she was right. So one day when she paid me a compliment I wasn’t quite sure what to expect,
“Mummy, you look beautiful”
“Really? Oh, what a lovely thing to say. Thank you”
“Yes, you look beautiful from behind, before you turn around and I see your face”
I am at the delightful stage of having to share a toilet cubicle with my youngest daughter when we are out. I now dread going somewhere in case she insists on using the toilet. In fact, I think she is deliberately torturing me with it. I’m sure she doesn’t need to use the toilet really. With Oldest she would often open the door and make a bolt for it as I quickly tried to pull up jeans to follow her. With Youngest it is making inappropriate announcements
“Mummy, what a big bottom you have!”
“Mummy, why do you have a hairy bottom and I don’t”
To which I heard sniggers from the next cubicle as I shouted
“That’s not my bottom. I DO NOT HAVE A HAIRY BOTTOM”
“Mummy, you are bleeding from your bottom. Oh Mummy, so much blood”
as she looked like she was going to vomit. Cue much shouting from me,
“I told you to face the other way. Don’t be sick. DON”T BE SICK. It’s not my bottom bleeding, it’s my….oh this is too complicated for right now”
“Mummy, why do you still wear nappies?” Cue me shouting, “NOT NAPPIES. THEY AREN’T NAPPIES. I DON’T WEAR NAPPIES”
Cashier to Youngest – “Did you help your Mummy with the shopping?” as Youngest replies “Yes, I bit all of the carrots in your big box so Mummy could find the right one” as the cashier tutted at me.
Then there was the time I decided to self-scan so that I didn’t have to speak to the cashier. Unfortunately, the self scanner hated me and I had to call for help. The assistant started coming over as Youngest started shouting,
“Mummy, isn’t he big. What a big man. He is big. I can spell it mummy B-I-G” as I tried to shut her up before he reached us. “Sssssh darling, that’s not polite but I know what you mean he is very tall”
to which Youngest shouted
“AND HIS BELLY MUMMY, LOOK AT HIS BELLY. IT B-I-G”
At this point the man was almost upon us so I panicked and put my hand over her mouth to stop her saying anything else.
Yes, children really do say the most inappropriate things at the most inappropriate times. Do you have anything to share?