You never know what ghastly delights lay around the very next corner. Trump, General Election and now diarrhoea dominoes! It started with Youngest dropping an almighty stink bomb in Mothercare. The immediate area around Youngest was cleared, with a Mum looking at me in disgust. “It wasn’t me” I mouthed. But too late, we had been put in the exclusion zone, and the vile smell was keeping everyone at bay. “Good grief was that you?” I asked Youngest. “My tummy hurts” she replied. “I am not surprised, it smells like something crawled up your bottom and died”. We made a hasty retreat and found the toilets in Marks and Spencer. If our bowels are about to explode then we like to do it in a classy establishment.
One explosion later and all seemed well with Youngest. This was during the school holidays and she was annoyingly bright for the rest of the week. There was no stopping her. We played on the beach, visited museums and went to car shows. She was fine. Until the Sunday night before she was due at pre-school on the Monday. Just as I could smell freedom all hell broke loose and I was woken by Oldest telling me that Youngest had just vomited all over the bed. It was everywhere. Her eyes were glassy, she was in a stupor for the next couple of days. Refusing any food, having an unquenchable thirst and generally being very clingy. Just as she started to recover diarrhoea dominoes took its next victim: Oldest, As I packed Youngest back off to pre-school I had Oldest left at home. It was like they had tag-teamed sickness. I was trapped. It was during these long hours tending to the sick and also very smelly ones that I realised that I would have it nailed if it came to a zombie invasion. All parents have it nailed. We wouldn’t need the army to come to our rescue like at the end of Shaun of the Dead. No, it would be us parents going to the rescue of everyone else.
8 Reasons Why Parents Are Well Prepared To Fight Apocalyptic Zombie Invasion
- When one child has been infected we realise that it is only a matter of time before the other one comes down with it. We are prepared for this emergency. We have sick buckets placed around the house, our ears are trained to listen for the slightest sound that could be a retch. We monitor the children for signs of fever, fatigue and glassy eye. We have super sleuth skills that can sniff out a poorly child and a potential zombie.
- In order to survive a zombie attack we need to be at peak physical fitness. All parents are. Not convinced? Have you seen how fast a parent will sprint when s/he thinks that their darlings one are about to puke over the settee. Also, watch them vault over several tables when someone calls last orders in a bar. Parents don’t get out as often as they used to, they want to make the most of their bar time. Still not convinced? Have you tried deadlifting a 4 year-old? This is me every school run. Also, you want to see how many bags of food shopping I am capable of carrying in one go just so I don’t have to make a return trip to the car. Super strength over here.
- We are experts at obstacles. If you have a team of zombies chasing you then you need to know that you can own it. You don’t want to be tripping and flailing and landing in a zombie’s mouth for breakfast. That flat street you are running down suddenly becomes littered with obstacles; bins, cats, slow moving grannies and car doors opening. You name it and they could slow your getaway from a zombie attack. However, us parents are all well versed in obstacles. Have you ever seen a parent trying to escape their child’s room after they have fallen asleep? They are like silent assassins jumping over Lego, pirouetting round Mr Potato head and leaping over the clean washing pile. We are fast and agile.
- Zombies are dumb and so are young children. That hour before dinner when the children want a snack and we know that we need to keep them going, we distract them. Same for zombies. They want to munch on you, distract them. Both zombies and children like pretty, shiny things. Throw an iPad at them, put on the TV, put on music and give them some felt-tips and let them draw on themselves. Soon they will have forgotten that they wanted to munch.
- Every parent knows that in a zombie attack there is strength in numbers. Even when our children are projectile vomiting and their head is turning 360 degrees, we stay with them and we love them (maybe a little bit further away, no one wants to get spewed on). Team work all the way. We stick together. Through sickness and sh*tting.
- Stock up. Every parent realises that an illness could sweep the house at any time and before you know it you are trapped at home unable to escape. Every parent has a crack open in emergency bottle of wine along with several dubious food items purchased in a panic buy at your local supermarket when you weren’t paying attention because the children were playing, jump out from behind shelves and scaring the other shoppers. That tin of meat is now your saviour. Also dig out all of that beige food you have in your freezer. You could live of that stuff for days, weeks, months even! Every parent is prepared and this is why they would survive a zombie attack.
- Planning your escape. When you decide it is time to find the nearest survivor camp every parent will make it. This is because every time a parent leaves a house with children they will pack a rucksack/Mary Poppins bag that has something for every possible eventuality. You name it and a parent will have it.
- Parents are experts at staying alive. When everyone else in a house succumbs to the illness the parent will keep plodding forward, ignoring their bed that is calling them. They will carry on looking after little ones, they will carry on preserving humanity.
So if there is ever a zombie attack don’t write off the parents with their kids and baggage. They are the ones that might just help you get out of there alive.
Can you think of anything else that you would add to my zombie list?