Last week Kirsty Allsop was in the news talking about how you shouldn’t be judged for having a c-section. As someone who went through two emergency c-sections this is something that I feel very strongly about. I do believe that there is a real stigma attached to having a c-section and everyday many women are being made to feel like they failed because they didn’t have a “natural” birth.
This was certainly the case for me first time round. I had been in labour for over 48 hours, with just gas and air (because I had bought into the hype of no ‘real’ drugs). They had already tried forceps but this too had failed. So in the very early hours of Monday morning oldest was born via c-section. I had been awake since Friday night and therefore the whole experience seemed very surreal.
I felt completely unprepared for a c-section. I had attended all of the NCT classes and c-sections had only been mentioned very briefly in passing, as in “avoid at all costs”. As I lay on that operating table being sewed back up whilst attempting to breastfeed my baby I didn’t feel the europhia that I had been promised.
Instead I felt that I had already failed my first born.
Looking back I now realise that this was crazy. I should have been happy as we had been fearing the worst. On Sunday afternoon we had been told to prepare for our baby to be born “abnormal”. Yes those exact words were used. I should know as I remember sitting there in shock as the words screamed around my head. After delivering those words they had simply drawn the curtain around us, leaving us on our own as my husband sobbed. However, we were one of the lucky ones and against all the odds she was born completely healthy.
Our first birth was not what we had prepared for. The NCT classes had painted a lovely picture of twinkly candles, water births and soothing music. Don’t get me wrong I realise that there are some people who do manage to achieve this. For us it involved projectile vomiting- a lot, not understanding what was going on and being hooked up to machines whilst feeling scared and abandoned.
Despite vowing never to go through it again I found myself in the same hospital 3 years later doing just that. I had been told that I would be able to give birth naturally and that I was not to worry because what happened last time was a one off. I was worried about how big my bump was but they reassured me telling me it was nothing to worry about. This time I can’t fault the care that we received during labour. We had the best care in the form of two midwives who didn’t leave my side and who encouraged me the whole way through. I was closer to my dream vision of the birth. Yet it still wasn’t meant to be. I remember being wheeled of to surgery again with a sense of deja vu. It was when I got to surgery that my waters properly broke and then they realised that I had excess water, otherwise known as polyhydramnios. Again we were told to prepare ourselves as this can lead to complications. But again we were one of the lucky ones.
I am grateful for the c-sections because who knows where my daughters and I would be without them. I do agree with Kirsty Allsop that there is a lot of negativity surrounding c-sections and that this is pushed on us by some parenting groups, newspapers and social media. I was terrified first time round about having a c-section as I hadn’t been prepared for it and I had only been told the negative things that surround a c-section. However, second time round despite my intial dissapointment I felt empowered. I had tried to give birth but I hadn’t been able to and that wasn’t my fault. Second time round the labour and susequent c-section was a positive experience. We felt supported by the fantastic midwives and consultant who listened to me and clearly explained what was happening. Also this time I knew what was coming- the safe arrival of my baby and that was the most important thing of all.
We need to stop spreading these horror stories about c-sections and we need to be properly educate women on what a c-section is and what it involves. We need to be telling them that it is ok to have a c-section. Most importantly we need to remember that c-sections save lives. But key to helping women realise that a c-section isn’t a sign of failure is the support she receives in hospital and in the community. We need to take away the stigma of c-section, the press needs to throw away the cheap moniker “too posh to push” and parenting groups need to talk parents through all the options during childbirth.
This is a disturbing post. It raises a lot of concerns about the consistency and value of NCT classes. I have heard so many mixed reports about what is being taught at them around c-sections, breast feeding and risks that it suggests that there is either something awry with the curriculum or with the people teaching it.
We were lucky enough to have a very balanced class with a tutor unafraid to cover the trickier and scarier aspects of birth. On one class a very shocked couple had been told that they were to be scheduled for a c-section but had been given no information from their consultant around details. Not even a leaflet. It was only luck that the NCT class that evening covered c-sections in detail and what to expect.
Thanks for sharing your #MatExp story
#AnythingGoes
Sounds like you have a really good NCT class. Much to our dissapointment that wasn’t the case for us :-(. We received no information on it all, were just told how it is really traumatic for a child and should be avoided. This was 6 years ago so it may well be different now. I hope it is anyway but like you say I had friends at different NCT groups at the same that had very different experiences so perhaps it is down to the individual who is running the classes.
Wow this could have been my birth experience you were talking about - the exact same thing happened to me. sections glossed over at the birthing classes - i didn’t even read the chapter on sections in the book so when 45 hours in to labour with my first daughter they said i needed an emergency section i was terrified - thought i was going to die - you focus so much on having the baby and not about having major surgery - i felt like an absolute failure, a fake even and really felt that I had no right in a certain mums club who had all had beautiful natural births. It’s heartbreaking to feel this way but also the negativity surrounding sections is so damaging - I was informed, rightly or wrongly, that if i’d tried to have my daughter naturally she and I would both have died in childbirth - horrific but thats the reality of why caesareans are needed and should not be judged - oh i could go on for hours - can you tell? Thank you for yet again another fabulous post #marvellousmondays xx
Glad I’m not the only one that could rant about this 🙂 but sad that you had a very similar experience too. There is so much more I could have said in the post but thought I best not!
oops wrong linky - so so sorry - it is in fact the fabulous brand spanking all shiny and new #bigpinklink
I absolutely agree with you. So much so I wrote a post on this subject towards the back end of last year. Purely because I was sick of the negativity aimed towards women who have had a C-section. Like you explained, I didn’t feel the expected euphoric feeling. Far from it in fact, all I felt was the most horrific anxiety that stayed with me for a long time after. Talking about C-sections is so important, we need to break the apparent stigmas that seem common place. #bigpinklink
Thanks for your comment and I’m sorry that you too had a bad experience. That horrific anxiety is awful and like you say it stays with you for a long time overshadowing what should be your days with your newborn. Hopefully, by sharing our experiences we can help others 🙂
Thank you so much for posting this. I too had an emergency C Section following a two day labour and failed forceps and was totally unprepared. I really enjoyed my NCT classes but you’re absolutely right - C sections are not covered at all and they should be. It certainly does not make you a failure and it’s so hard to recover from. However you bring a child into the world, you should be applauded. xx #bigpinklink
Absoloutely, it doesn’t matter how our little ones arrive and we need to stop the negativity that take away from that. I’m sorry that you too had a similar experience. And yes they are hard to recover from, I really had to bite my lip when I was told that they are easy!
This happened to me. The impression you got from the NCT classes is that everything – the birth plan, breast feeding etc – would all somehow magically come together. It didn’t.
A bit of realism – you can plan as much as you like, but you’re in a situation that’s completely out of your control so going with the flow and accepting that things may not work out as planned – would have been really helpful. It might have helped me feel less dreadful afterwards and made a few people less smug / judgmental. I ended up going to different toddler and health visitor groups because some of the mother’s were so vile.
Sorry to hear about your health visitor groups. It’s awful isn’t it. And about NCT classes I agree a bit of realism is really needed. I remember we were told to write a birth plan to give in when we arrived at hospital. When I went into labour no one even wanted to look at it so that went completely out of the window! Thanks for your comment 🙂
I find it shocking that people would judge a woman because she had a c-section. There’s usually a really good medical reason for it related to the health of the mum or baby. This is why I don’t see the point in having a birth plan - you need to just be wiling to go with the flow. I had a vaginal birth but had to be hooked up to monitors the whole time due to meconium being present when my waters broke, and after struggling got hours, I eventually had a ventouse delivery. What matters isn’t how the birth happens, but that babies and mums come out of it healthy. #fartglitter
Exactly, the healthy baby is the most important thing! 🙂
I find it baffling when people are judgey about how you delivered your baby - it’s in no way a reflection on the mother, everyone’s experience is different. I’m really grateful to our NCT class though for giving us a really balanced view of all the different scenarios that might happen - it sounds like this isn’t the norm! #BigPinkLink
That’s good that you had a good NCT class as I think that must make a massive difference 🙂
This is a fabulous, wonderfully honest post. Judgment about parenting choices (and things that aren’t choices, but that are taken out of your hands) just continue to baffle me, I really just… don’t understand. My birth plan with pain relief was ‘I’ll start at the bottom and work my way up,’ and choice of birth ‘do whatever you need to do to make sure my baby arrives alive.’ I had no notion of this c-section is failure malarkey until after I’d had my first baby, and it came to fruition afterwards, when some of the other mums were openly judgmental about it. A few of my friends had hypno births, and they were openly scathing of my decision to have an epidural. Like you, I had a long, drawn out labour, was out of my mind with pain and tiredness, so went with my wishes, and had one. Apparently that made me a failure. Our NCT did touch on c-sections, but not on bottle feeding (the other classic area for judgment!) and after a horrendous time with breastfeeding, finally being told what I already knew, that my milk hadn’t come in, I contacted our NCT teacher and asked her why bottle feeding hadn’t been covered. Her answer? ‘We aren’t allowed to discuss it.’ I was just incredulous!! It just makes a mockery of preparing a woman for what could be in front of them.
Sorry, I went a little off topic there, but eliminating judgment from parenting is something I feel really strongly about! Congratulations for having 2 healthy babies, I’m sure that’s all you and your family care about! How they came out is part of the journey, but is essentially irrelevant compared to your, and their health.
Thank you so much for linking to #bigpinklink!
Thanks for your comment 🙂 You are right about breastfeeding being the other thing mothers are judged on! I had an awful time with breastfeeding first time, looking back my milk clearly hadn’t come in because I was exhausted from the labour and c-section but I was made to feel awful about it and persisted at it for longer than I should have! You are right we really need to eliminate judgement from parenting!!
I don’t understand why people still think this. In my opinion having c section is way harder that a vaginal delivery. I walked out of hospital after 5 hours this year, if I’d have had a section I’d still be recovering now. As for the drugs, I took anything I could short of an epidural (I wasn’t allowed one due to back surgery). The most important thing is a healthy mummy and baby at the end of it. #fartglitter
Yep, the healthy baby and mummy really is the most important thing and I was astounded when after going through atraumatic birth that I had people saying how I had taken the easy route and that a csection is really easy to recover from!! Not really want you want to hear when you are still recovering. Thanks for your comment 🙂
I completely agree. I know so many women who have really suffered after having a c-section -both physically and emotionally. It’s not fair that this stigma exsists - I don’t understand it. We all do exactly what we need to do to get our babies here safely and that’s a huge achievement and something every woman should be extremely proud of, regardless of the type of birth. We need to keep talking about it, like this post does, so that attitudes change #bigpinklink
Thanks for your comment and support and yes it is very important that we continue to honestly talk about it so that we can remove the stigma surrounding c-section and hopefully change attitudes for the better.
A very well written post. I personally do not like the term ‘natural birth’ as I think that implies something unnatural about anything else. For me as long as the baby is born safely than what does it matter?
No, I agree I don’t like the term either, this was a term that was used during our parenting classes
Very well written & such an important message. C-sections definitely save lives. There shouldn’t be any bad feelings if a woman needs one for any number of reasons. I’m always amazed by what science can do now, if we lived in a time before sections there would be so many more women & babies lost in child birth. #anythinggoes x
Thanks, you are right we are lucky that the advances in science means that we now live in a world where we can have c-sections which save lives 🙂
I’m sorry you felt that way. Nothing about c-sections sounds to me like the easier option of the two. I think with this and with feeding as long as the baby and mummy are happy and healthy who cares?
#fartglitter
That’s great. In the UK there is very much the opinion that a csection is an easy option. This has come from the media with their “too posh to push” line and also some parenting groups can make you feel like a failure for having one, which is very wrong as like you say it is a very necessary procedure.
Thank goodness your babies were not abnormal!! I can not believe they used that word it must have been heartbreaking. I am currently pregnant with my second and I suspect that c-section will be where we end up because Monkey got significantly stuck! I will know nearer the time and although I am preparing for a natural birth as long as my baby comes out in one piece I don’t care how he comes out. Congratulations on being a mum twice over 🙂 xx #anythinggoes
Thank you 🙂 xx
Love this. It really hacks me off all the rubbish around c-section = failure. So what if it is elective either?! Like recovery is such a doddle! People are idiots. Xx
Exactly! What does it matter how the children arrive, as long as child and mother are healthy x