Sorry
I’m sorry for being absent and being such a tardy blogger. Life’s strange. We are still in a pandemic and I find myself unwilling to add to the conversation. What can I possibly say that is meaningful or insightful or even vaguely reassuring? I don’t have the words: I can’t find the words. We are living through a pandemic. It’s shit, and nothing will change that. However, if you want to know what I’ve been up to or fancy a distraction, then stick around because I’m your gal. That I can do!
You might have noticed that my blog is looking a little different. I owe Hanna from The Wildly Design a massive thank you for helping me with the technical ‘stuff’. This little space has been given a bit of a spring (I wish it were spring) clean.
“A pandemic purge. A Covid clear out. You get the gist. It’s a clean slate so to speak. ”
Somewhere I can just focus on writing again. I haven’t worked out how to send emails or newsletters yet so if you were on my email list you will have to bear with me as I get used to it all.
Where do I start? I feel I need to ease myself back into this blogging lark gently. Therefore, let’s start with what I have been up to lately.
2020 And All That Jazz
I spent 2020 building up my fitness. I had knocked down my 5km running time to a very respectable time. I did some fundraising. I was loving spinning, doing weights. Dare I say it? I was starting to feel like I nailed the moving on from cancer bit. I was also accepted onto a brilliant writing course. That was a little boost to my self-esteem. Yes, the course is challenging, my fellow students are super talented, and I feel massively out of my depth! But it’s brilliant and inspiring and I’m loving the opportunity to learn more about my craft. I might not have blogged much during this pandemic, but I have been quietly scribbling away in the background. Finally, I was offered an amazing job: a dream job. It was all looking great, despite the pandemic. Then life happened, and everything suddenly stalled.
The Clot Thickens
December 2020 and I had been feeling under the weather for a while. Nothing specific. Just feeling tired and I was finding running and spinning harder. A week later I woke up and felt really breathless. I went for a Covid test as a matter of precaution, but thankfully it came back negative. I started to feel better but then a week later I woke up in agony. To cut a long story short, just before Christmas I was diagnosed with pulmonary embolisms, twinning blood clots (let’s call them Bert and Ernie) in both lungs and another blood clot floating around somewhere in the lower part of my body. I was incredibly lucky that I went to the doctors when I did. Blood tests also revealed that the cancer markers were up in my blood. It’s all a bit baffling and over the next month I will be having some more tests to try and work out what is going on. But I don’t want to dwell on that. This is just life. It isn’t straightforward, we have challenges, I will get through it. What it has made me realise is just how important exercise is to me and what a privilege it is to be able to exercise. I am really missing being able to run. One day I will run that flipping half-marathon.
My situation has made me question social media and my use of it. I always try to find the positives in my situation as I’m mindful of people who are in far worse situations. As a result, I find myself filtering my news through a positive choice of language? Is it all spin? Am I contributing to that toxic positivity we see so much of on Instagram? By denying myself the right to say that it’s a bit rubbish to be back here, especially after I’d built my health back up and was moving forward - I’m preventing myself from acknowledging my feelings. I’m refusing to admit that a tiny part of me is scared that the PET scan might show something, I’m refusing to share my frustration that I have blood clots in my lungs. I’m denying that dealing with this during a pandemic, having to travel back to Southampton for tests on my own, is a shitty situation to find myself in. Yes, it could always be worse, and I am so unbelievably grateful that I am not in that place; fingers crossed I don’t end up there, but it’s still okay to feel sad and stressed. Those feelings are valid.
The same goes for all of us. We should never compare our situation to someone else’s. Stay away from the Instagram accounts that make you feel like you are failing. We are in the middle of a pandemic, we can’t all exercise, knit or bake our way out of this. Believe me I tried. Well, I didn’t try the knitting, I can’t even sew. My Year 9 textiles teacher begged me not to take GCSE Textiles. I finished Year 9 still unable to sew a button on. Luckily for me I now have Mr C who could be on the Sewing Bee.
I digress. I’ve have found myself struggling a little with my mental health. But I know I am not alone. So many of us are struggling right now. These are challenging times. That’s why the temptation can be to turn to social media or the internet when we want instant answers. When we want to know how to make ourselves feel better. Unfortunately, sometimes a positive quote isn’t going to cut it. We need to be careful where we go for help. Karen from Dorking might say that a good cuppa helps her, it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s going to help you and nor should we recommend Karen as being the cure for anxiety. We all have different varying needs when it comes to mental health. Some people feel a little sad, some people are struggling, some people are depressed, some people have OCD, some people have crippling anxiety, the list is endless. Mental health is wide and varying and extremely complex. It can’t be summed up in one square on an Instagram grid, and nor should it be. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great that we are talking about mental health, that we are breaking down that stigma, but we also need to remember that Instagram isn’t real. We don’t share all the lows. We curate what we are willing to share. How many of us would be willing to leave the door open to our home all the time?
It is tempting to try and find an easy cure for how we are feeling. On the surface Instagram offers that: photos of people sea water swimming saying it cured their anxiety, inspiring quotes on a sunset from Barry in Essex etc. These people are great. They’ve found something that works for them, but we need to recognise they aren’t experts, and it doesn’t mean it will work for us. I’m going to shout this – WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A PANDEMIC. Let’s not sugar coat that. Many people are trying to juggle their jobs as well as teaching their children, many people are having to do this alone too. Many people are dealing with ill health during a pandemic. Many people have family or friends who have died during this pandemic, either as a direct or indirect result of Covid. There are people who have lost their jobs because of it, people that haven’t seen their family. We don’t need Instagram to make us feel better, we need experts, and that really pains me to write that because I LOVE an inspirational quote.
What am I trying to say here? I’m not sure really; this isn’t what my post was supposed to be about. I guess I’m mulling my thoughts over and trying to make sense of them. I think what I am trying to say is that social media can be great, but it can also be awful. By sharing our lives on social media, we are opening ourselves up and that’s why I assume many people put on a positive front. That’s okay but that’s why we shouldn’t be comparing ourselves to strangers on the internet. They are not us. They don’t know how we feel.
Our feelings are valid, don’t let Instagram tell you otherwise.