I never thought that I would be a stay at home Mum. I was ambitious and progressing quickly in my career. I was successful. People looked up to me and sought out my opinion.
Now it often feels like no one sees me
but please don’t think that this is me looking for pity. I accept that this is a choice that I made and that if I really wanted to I could probably make myself seen again. But for now I am happy to be invisible.
Being a stay at home Mum is still one that divides the playground and our society. For my generation being a stay at home Mum means that you often feel like you are letting down all the hard-working Mums with jobs. The woman I was before I had our second child. It is a decision that I am judged upon constantly. It is one that makes me want to lie when it comes to filling in the occupation box in legal documents.
But i’m not a prisoner.
I made this choice, willingly. It’s a decision that has caused me to feel isolated and cut off from friends. Friends who don’t understand how I was able to walk away from a flourishing career. Friends who don’t understand how I fill my days. Friends who don’t understand me anymore. I have made a lot of sacrifices for my family but still these are sacrifices that I am very fortunate to be able to make.
This new world that I now live in is exciting, liberating, challenging but also suffocating. Sometimes playing the same game for the 20th time makes my brain want to explode. But this was a choice that I made and I wouldn’t have it any other way but it is also a decision that makes me feel defensive. So why do I put myself through this? Why have I walked away from my career, losing some of my oldest friends in the process and also losing a part of me? Because it was the right decision to make. I will happily continue to battle the banality of everyday, negotiate the tiresome playground politics and continue the never ending cycle of cleaning away the mess.
I will do this everyday because it means that I am here for my children.
Since I gave up work my older child has flourished and that makes every little sacrifice worth it. Now she is secure and confident. Now I take her to school and pick her up from school, now she has me at home to talk to her about her day and to help her with her homework. I’m no longer dashing off because I have work to do or asking her to hold that story until later. Now I’m there for her.
With my youngest I have been there for every first. I am the one she asks her big unanswerable questions to, I am the one she carries her book to asking me to read it and I am the one she calls for when she wakes up in the night. I know from experience that if I was still working long hours it wouldn’t be me that she calls for.
So whilst today I might be missing my old life and feeling alone I need to take a moment. I need to remind myself how lucky and loved I am because at home the two most important people have me at the centre of their world and that is just where I want to be.
I’d be a stay at home if I could, at least until they’re both at school, but we just can’t afford it. I think you made a great choice! #fartglitter
Thank you, I am very lucky as at one time I didn’t think that would ever be a possibility! 🙂
I feel lucky that I was able to make this choice too, I know not everyone has this choice financially. Don’t get me wrong it isn’t easy for us, on one wage we can’t afford some of the luxuries I see friends have, or the amazing world travels, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I hate that women judge each other either way, sometimes it feels like we can’t win if we choose career or staying home. But we each have to do what is right for us and our families and live with no regrets knowing we made the best choice we could. Great post xx
Thank you. I was really worried about the post that it might be taken the wrong way. I feel very lucky to have been able to make that choice and I agree people shouldn’t judge anyone for the decisions that they make or have to make x
I felt like this for the longest time. I wasn’t maternal in the slightest and was very career focussed and then I had Maxi and when he was ill at 6 months old I couldn’t go back to work. No matter how much I thought I would return, we even paid the months deposit on childcare, when push came to shove my heart was with my child! I hated the first six months. People were so judgemental, telling me I had thrown away a decent career even my Mum who said that she (and others like her) fought sexism so we could go back to work after having children. Now I wouldn’t be anywhere else, My children gain so much more from having me before and after school then I could give them financially by working.
It is really reassuring to read that someone felt the same way and that you haven’t regretted it :-). It is that awful feeling of guilt you have as a Mother that you have when you are working because you worry about being there for your child and you also feel that you aren’t doing your job well enough and then, like you say, if you are lucky enough to be able to walk away from your job you again feel guilty and like you are letting down womenkind. We can’t win and I think we all need to start being kinder to ourselves.
This was a great read. I am a stay at home Mum too and although this was a choice, it was also a necessity as we just could not afford the child care for four children. I love being a stay at home Mum, the same way that others love being a working Mum. I think there is so much judgement at times on these choices, we just do what is right for us as parents?! Thanks for sharing. #fartglitter
Thank you for your lovely comment and for dropping by 🙂
If we could afford it my mummy would be a stay at home mum, but for sanity sake she would still have to work freelance as she loves her work. Blogging is a great way to chanel your indivduality and get speaking to other mums. I hope you don’t feel isolated, there is a strong blogging and mummy community online that you can chat to if you need us x #fartglitter xx
Awww thank you. Yes, blogging is very much my creative outlet! x
I have been working part time since I went back after having our second and I think it is the perfect compromise for us. But it is unsustainable financially - I will have to go back to teaching full time in September which I am already dreading! But I am grateful for this time that I have been able to share with the children. I know I would find it hard to be a stay at home mum full time though. It is definitely not an easy choice, whatever way you go. Still, you gotta have something to feel guilty about, eh?!
x Alice
#fartglitter
Thanks for your reply 🙂 Yes, I think us Mums will always find something to feel guilty about!
Mummy in Training (@mrskxxxx) says
I work 3 days of the week for financial reasons but would love to be a stay at home mum. I also thought I would be a full time working mum, but everything changed when I had my boy. You look at the world a little differently don’t you
#twinklytuesday xx
Yes you do. You never think you will change but then they come along and your priorities change. Thanks for dropping by xx
Such a heartfelt post and when I first became a SAHM I felt the very same way. Now I know that I made the best choice and I am so happy to be a SAHM! #TwinklyTuesday
Thank you, I have made the right choice without a doubt and I feel very lucky that I was able to make that choice 🙂 x
Each family has to make the choices that work for them and their circumstances. Rev T stayed at home with the Tubblet because I earned the most. When she was older he retrained. We considered ourselves lucky to be able to do that. We knew other friends who wanted to do the same and simply couldn’t.
Yes, it is very important that each family is able to make the choice that works for them and I am very fortunate to be able to make that choice with second as there wasn’t the option of making that choice with my oldest child. Thanks for your comment x
Megan Bidmead (@whispertoroar) says
I have been a stay at home Mum since my daughter was born (she’s 2 now). Sometimes I find myself feeling really defensive about it for some reason - I suppose I want people to know that I’m not just sat at home allowing my brain to rot away, but I’m doing something I feel passionate about … I respect everybody’s choices, and I really hate how women are made to feel bad whatever choice they make! Thanks for the post #twinklytuesday
You are right women are in a no win position and whatever choice they make they are judged for it. I think that like you a part of feeling defensive is that I don’t like that some people feel I am wasting my career and degree but I know that I’m not so that is all that matters 🙂 Thanks for your comment x
Yes, I need to remind myself how I was always rushing when I was working Mum and how I used to leave before my child got up and then I would get home just in time for bed time and I spent the whole time feeling awful! Thanks for your comment 🙂
I think I needed to read a post like this today. I was made redundant from a good job during my second mat leave so became, somewhat reluctantly, a SAHM. Every day I try and keep reassuring myself this is the best place to be, but I do often wonder whether we would all be happier, more balanced, more satisfied if I was back at work part time? I guess my answer is for now, no, as I know these years are flying by. So, it’s a case of making our days more varied together, and the job search remains off the table. The grass always seems greener eh? #coolmumclub
Sorry to hear that you were made redundant during your second mat leave, that must have been a shock. Yes, I agree that the grass does always seem greener and we need to remind ourselves it’s not always. When I was working I was leaving the house before my daughter woke up and then I was working in the evening at home till 10pm at night. I need to remind myself of that when I’m missing work! Like you say it is important to have varied days and a little something for ourselves like blogging or writing etc. 🙂
It’s such a difficult choice. I’m a single mum so I work full time, but in a way it’s nice to not have a choice because otherwise I would constantly question my decision. There are pros and cons with everything, so it’s just what works for you.
Thanks for your lovely comment. Yes, I think that sometimes having a choice maeans that when when you have a bad day you worry if you have made the right choice! But I know I have really :-). Thanks for your comment
Fantastic post. I’m not sure why we feel like we need to defend our decision to become SAHM’s. I constantly feel like I need to justify it and prove how hard it is to my working friends, which is a shame and probably more a reflection of me than them. You definitely made the right choice though 🙂 #coolmumclub x
Awww thank you for your support and lovely comment 🙂
Do what’s best for you and you family and stuff everyone else. I’m sure you’re rocking it x
#fartglitter
Thanks 🙂
Sarah Stockley (@kipperscurtains) says
I think being a stay at home mum has many benefits. I work only two days a week and that is plenty, even on those two days I often feel I have missed out on certain things. Homework and reading can’t really get done as I am home after 6pm and then cooking straight away. I think stay at home mums are great. Sarah #fabfridaypost
Aww thank you. It sounds like you have a pretty good compromise! 🙂
But there is no sacrifice, is there? We’ve made this choice to nurture, nourish, and guide our young ones while they help us find our inner child. I felt defensive, too, for a lot of my almost-two-year-old’s existence, but I’ve decided apologies aren’t needed. Nor is guilt. It’s a choice. And it’s what works for our families.
Thanks for sharing. Feels good to not feel alone 🙂
#FabFridayPost
Thanks for your comment and yes you are right it isn’t a sacrifice, that perhaps isn’t quite the right word 🙂
Great post. I don’t think that anyone would look back and regret spending too much time with their children!!! The time flies so quickly. I home educate one of my daughter’s the other has chosen to go to secondary having been home ed up to age 11. Yet I still get bewilderment about what I do all day even then!! I think people must think I print out a load of worksheets and tie my daughter to a desk or something!! I love being here when my other daughter comes home from school… such a good time for a chat.
Yes, you are right. The best chats I have with my oldest is that drive on the way home from school 🙂
I think it is great that you were able to make the move to be a SAHM. I always thought I wanted the big career but now that I have a child I just want to be home with her always. Thanks for linking up with the #FabFridayPost
This is a very heart felt post and congratulations on choosing your family and becoming a SAHM. I am pregnant with our second child. I have that flourishing career, long hours and I am not the one my first born always cries for. (pang!). Financially I can not give up the job. I may be able to change it for something more mundane, reduce the hours and the pay. But then would I feel more trapped. I don’t know. I really respect all mothers and the decisions they have had to make to either continue with work or to become a SAHM. Through blogging its great to see that understanding that we all face our own struggles and one way or another find our way through them. Thank you for joining us at #BloggerClubUK I hope you can join us again next week xx
Thanks for your really heartfelt comment 🙂 and like you say every one of us has struggles and that is why blogging is so great as we can share when we are having a “challenging” day x
Wow! Your writing style takes my breath away. I can feel and breath every words you type. It is like looking myself in the mirror. I was very career driven too I was doing so well but when you have kids - things turned out differently. I did felt useless at one point of who I am for a while but then I realised I am raising the next generation - and that has got to be the most important thing of all. Thank you for linking up with us on #FabFridayPost x
Awwww thank you for your really kind comment. It really means a lot 🙂 x
I feel fortunate that I was able to make this choice too. There have been times over the last ten years where I have felt trapped despite the fact that I know it was the right decision for us as a family though I’m not going to lie. But I really wouldn’t have it any other way.
Yes, I agree it was the right decision and I would not have it any other way. However, some days it can be tough but then that’s what makes the good days extra special! 🙂