Since Christmas I had been doing really well with eating clean and exercising consistently. I managed both of my challenges, The Island Walk and the Moonwalk Marathon but then I came to a grinding halt. I didn’t need to exercise anymore. I didn’t need to eat healthily. Yes, I realise that I should want to eat healthily and exercise because I recognise that it makes me feel better physically and mentally but that’s not me. I’m my own worst enemy.
I Need A Goal
I tend to only exercise when I have a goal in mind, when I have something to aim for. It turns out that I am very target driven. Perhaps I should consider going into sales. Actually, I did dabble in sales when I first left university and needed to bring in some extra money. I was one of those people that stopped people on the street to sell them a credit card. Do you remember those people? It turned out that I was quite good at encouraging people to get a credit card. I consistently hit my sales targets, got to ring the office bell most days, and high-five people like a lunatic and I got taken away to a hotel in Blackpool as a reward for being the top salesperson. Yes, Blackpool. It wasn’t quite Las Vegas but back then I was over the moon! Then I took a hard look at myself and decided that I couldn’t live with myself. I didn’t like encouraging people to get into debt and I felt like an idiot when I had to ring a bell and run round the office whooping. I walked away from it despite the fact that I was making a lot of money.
The reason I did well was that I liked hitting my targets, nay, I wanted to smash my targets. The world of sales with its smooth talking, wining and dining and unscrupulous people might not have been for me, but having a target is. I have been floundering recently. I have gone back to eating junk, enjoying my wine and not pushing myself when it comes to exercise. I need to get myself back on track. I need to get focussed again and I think that means that I need to set targets again.
Life Is Getting In The Way
However, it is hard to set yourself targets and to focus on those targets when life is just so full on. Youngest starts school in September and it is looming ever closer. I am dreading it. Then there is our house. Selling a house in Jersey is a different kettle of fish to selling a house in England. I feel like I am constantly getting my hopes up for them to be dashed again. I am ready to move yet the market seems to be moving slowly and houses are crazily expensive.
I feel like I am living in a constant state of tension. The house is immaculate because you never know when someone might want a viewing. I am following the girls around with a dustpan and brush. I have hidden the pens out of reach. This was after Youngest decided to practise writing her name on the wall last week. Give her a piece of paper and she will refuse to write her name. Give her a wall and we have a regular Banksy in our midst. Combine this with the fact that we are trying to stay out of our overdraft – a losing battle most months – and this is why I have been reaching for the junk food.
Breaking The Cycle
Then once you have stuffed your face, you feel guilty again. You are also now stressed and full of self-loathing and the cycle continues. I need to continue with my exercising because it undoubtedly helps me with my mental wellbeing but I have come to realise that food is just as important. I need to get better with what I am eating. I need to get back on the healthy wagon. I need a target. I need a goal. I need to find balance again.
But what should my next target or goal be?