I don’t want to jinx it but I think I can officially sound the summer klaxon. However, please be warned that the last time I announced summer had arrived, donned my maxi dresses and started swanning about with a fan, the sun promptly scarpered and I was left shivering in the cold and rain. Therefore, if the sun disappears again you can blame me.
Signs That Summer Has Arrived
I promptly dig out my maxi dresses and announce that I don’t have enough. Despite having at least 7 different maxi dresses in different colours. Mr C suggests wearing something other than maxi dresses, I balk at the idea of having to get my pasty pins out in public.
I remember how hellish it is applying suncream to my children. Most mornings consist of me chasing them around the house as I try to do their suncream. I can only compare it to squeezing a sausage out of a sausage skin. Impossible and very slippery.
To Tan Or Not To Tan
I decide to help nature along and apply some fake tan. I forget that I am useless at applying fake tan and I end up looking like a stripey oomper loompa.
In Out, In Out, Shake It All About
Children demand to go into the garden. I spend ages setting up the garden games and equipment. 10 minutes later the children come back into the house because it’s too hot, and repeat all day for the whole of the summer!
Ice-creams become like a meal replacement plan and the children start demanding ice-lollies all day and night.
The children stop sleeping because the sun isn’t sleeping. They refuse to accept it’s bedtime because the sunshine is too bright and their rooms are too hot. You resort to fanning them and sticking up blackout blinds, all to no avail.
The Cost Of Ice-Cream
You suddenly remember that a 99 no longer costs 99p and you go on ice-cream strike, much to your children’s dismay who claim that shop bought ice-creams don’t taste the same as ice-cream from a van.
The Sound Of The Sodding Ice-Cream Van
You are still telling the children that those ice-cream tinkles means that the ice-cream van has sold out of all of the ice-lollies. We only tend to hear the ice-cream tinkles when we visit my parents in the UK – phew.
Mr C Lives In His Shorts And Takes Up Residence Next To The BBQ
Sun’s out and that means Mr C has his legs and barbecue out. He starts barbecuing everything and anything. You are very happy with this and make the most of it, sipping on alcho-free beers and occasionally shouting out things like “the barbecue is on fire, it’s on fire, should it be on fire? Where’s the fire extinguisher?”
The School Run
The school run becomes weather dominated and most of the conversations go something like
“ Sun’s out at last. Hurrah”
“Yes, isn’t it lovely?”
2 weeks later
“Why is it so fecking hot? Freddie won’t sleep at night because of it and I am feeling exhausted”
“Tell me about it. My useless arse of a husband didn’t apply any suncream yesterday and now he is as red as a lobster and moaning constantly because he thinks that he is dying from sunburn”
You Start Loathing The School Commute
Now it doesn’t feel like it was such a good idea to move to the other side of the island. Now you have to make a hideous commute to school, 4 times a day, as you swelter in your car because your car’s air conditioning unit has been broken for what feels like forever. You would get it fixed but that would probably jinx summer.
You keep losing your sunglasses
Every. Single. Day.
Every time you go to the supermarket you are confronted with a tower of Pimms and a tower of disposable barbecues.
You start looking wistfully at those hot tubs people have in their gardens. In the end you settle for a paddling pool. You spend hours blowing it up, hours filling it up with water, only for the children to declare it too cold, or for Youngest to admit she has done a wee in it.
People Don’t Know How To Dress
You see old people still wearing their winter coat and then men wandering around with the tops off and beer bellies on display.
Ahhh summer, don’t you just love it?
PS – I really do love summer!