I crack open an egg, pour in the flour and stir in the fruit. Each turn of the spoon stirs away a little bit of stress away and by the time the cake is in the oven my bad mood has mostly lifted and I feel better again.
Feeling Blue
Lately, a certain melancholy has settled over me. It hangs off me like a cape. I imagine that it looks like a superhero cape, bright blue and shimmery. It’s tied firmly around my neck, threatening to almost throttle me. It might look like a superhero cape but I don’t have any superpowers. I feel less than super, perhaps my super power would be the ability to plaster a smile over the cracks and mutter “I’m fine, all is fine” but I’m not fine. I feel the blue cape hanging off me, and dragging me down. It frustrates me as I try to make sense of it. Why do I feel like this? What’s causing it?
I’ve tried all of the usual tricks: taking myself away from social media, running lots of hot baths, getting early nights, yet nothing seems to work. I get frustrated as I try to shake myself out of it. Yet, it refuses to budge. For now, being a slightly melancholic mess seems to be my lot.
Why I’m Sharing This
Don’t get me wrong, this is not depression, it’s more of a feeling of something not being quite right. I suspect that a lot of us, if not all of us, feel like this from time to time. But we don’t talk about it. We bottle it up and pretend that everything is “fine”. It’s wrong and self-indulgent to actually share how we are really feeling, or that’s what society dictates. So you will have to excuse this very self-indulgent post but hey, my blog, my rules.
A feeling of unease, slight sadness and restlessness hangs from me. I don’t know what has caused it because it feels like it literally crept out and pulled its blanket over me. I went to bed feeling okay and woke up the next morning feeling less that okay. It seeped into my room overnight and for now it lingers on. I wonder if it is my body recovering from the shocking year we had. I wonder if it’s because now we are back in rented and I feel like I have no anchor. I wonder if it is because I haven’t seen the sun in what feels like forever. I spend a lot of the time looking for rational reasons that explain my mood, but then emotions don’t always behave rationally, do they?
Do We Stay Or Do We Go?
The usual discussion of Jersey and whether we stay has reared its head again. Each time we have the discussion, we finish it no clearer. To move or not to move. I have made no secret of my struggles with living on the island, and how some days I feel incredibly stifled. But, it is also an amazing and beautiful island to live on and I feel horribly ungrateful for even saying that I struggle to live here. There are people who are suffering real hardship and here I am moaning.
Feeling Ungrateful
This island has enabled me to set myself up as a freelance writer and I now work from home and I can do the school run. Yet, I miss the camaraderie of being in the workplace. I miss being able to share my ideas or being able to ask for advice. Working from home has so many benefits but it can also be very lonely and it has felt increasingly lonely of late. This mood that has settled over me has left me struggling to meet my deadlines. I have found myself dreading opening the laptop and going through my work. Recently the act of writing has felt difficult and I have felt like I am wading through treacle. Just as I think I have an idea for a sentence, I get stuck and find myself unable to move on. Forming the words, constructing the sentences, it all feels too hard at the moment. Writing normally gives me joy, but right now it feels like a burden. The words are just another thing weighing me down.
Trying To Change How I Feel
In normal circumstances I would run my way out of it. I would run down our little lanes and drink in our beautiful little island. However, regular readers will know that’s not possible at the moment and so I have looked for other ways to lift my mood – baking.
Baking Myself Happier
The whole act of baking is just what I need. My waistline might not agree, but my brain is loving the baking. It feels joyful and something that I can do for my family. The whole process is relaxing and I can switch my brain off and stall the every frantic whirring of the cogs. There is just something about the measuring, stirring and sieving that feels good. It’s like it is a calming almost meditative act. It also helps me feel more in control. Baking is helping, it’s nourishing my soul and unlocking the writer’s block.
I am baking my way out of melancholy and hoping I will find my confidence again, find my anchor and feel more settled. Hopefully I will feel more me again, but until then I will continue reaching for the mixing spoon.
Let’s all be honest with how we are feeling. Life isn’t as straightforward as a recipe, we don’t have a foolproof step by step guide to follow, and we shouldn’t be afraid to acknowledge that.
Life is messy, much like the kitchen after I’ve finished baking 😉
Ahh its a tough one trying to make a decision that is such a huge change for your family. As much as I always think I would love to move away, I know that when it came to it I could never move away from my friends and family here. Baking is a great way of trying to come out the other side of a rough patch, cake is always a boost isn’t it? xx
Oh it’s so hard when your faced with hard decision when it comes to your family, it’s something that we may have to come to terms with soon. Who doesn’t love baking though?
Emma you could have written this for me (except you write much more beautifully!). I completely understand and have been feeling so low for so long now, expecting to feel lucky and delighted, but actually being unsettled and lonely. Being somewhere beautiful and being able to work from home are great but also have their drawbacks. So if you want to chat to someone who totally gets it, please give me a call or text xx
Aw Emma, I really feel for you. This post is so beautifully written and I’m sure will resonate with many. I’ve had so many ups and downs in the last year, I’ve lost track! We have moved from such a beautiful place by the ocean, my ideal place really, where I had lots of friends and just loved. But it took me a long time and I also had moments of down like you. I could never put my finger on it. I do think it’s normal, but that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do to help ease it. Our new move has brought us to a place I never thought we would live and to start with I thought I would hate it. But I have slowly found that getting myself out in the community and being with people is what is transforming my experience. It’s so lonely being at home sometimes. How about starting a book club? You could take it in turns to host and bake for it! I did this in the last place I lived and it literally changed my life. It started with two of us and gradually grew and grew to a group of 10! In the mean time keep baking! Hugs. xxx
I think there must be something in the water as I have and it appears a lot of us have this feeling of “meh”
Its a funny old feeling when you have such a big decision to make about you family yet you are unsure if its the right one, but I’m sure you’ll find your way whatever you decide. But in the mean time baking sounds like the perfect distraction xx
I’m sorry to hear your feeling like this lovely, but well done for getting it down on here. I can’t imagine what it must be like for you, you are away from family and living on an island that doesn’t give you much freedom. I’m glad baking is helping, it would definitely help me too x
Yes I get phases where I feel like this and it is usually when life is frustrating me or decisions are hanging around and not being resolved. I find that very unsettling and it really impacts on my mood. For me talking about it with my hubby really helps and I find that chucking away the negative thoughts and taking a step back from stresses also helps. Baking on the otherhand just causes more stress I have found working from home lonely so have decided that in the future I will need a blogging accountability buddy or two who I can chat too regularly and will help to keep me inspired and focused even in moments such as these. Oh and bring on the summer! The sun is such a huge mood changer and I NEED some sun!! I hope you get the big decisions sorted soon so you can get some balance back in your life xx
I feel like this too, but then again I’ve felt like it for so long that I can’t remember what it DOESN’T feel like. Anyway what I wanted to say (other than that you’re amazing) is that this reminded me of Marian Keyes who baked her way through a period of melancholy. I’m not sure if she wrote a book about it but there are probably some online features which might help to reassure you. Probably a combo of all those things you mention – and you’re right, you had such a tough year last year with the moving fiasco and schools and all the rest of it. Things can only get better xx ps send me a cake 😉
I think we all feel like this from time to time and it is very hard to feel ‘normal’ again. It is a very tough decision for you guys. But I love how baking is helping you!
I really feel like this sometimes too, especially when I am missing my family in Thailand. I am glad you have found something to distract you.
Baking is therapy, I stand by that 100% I think when you’re feeling low or just off kilter talking it through whether with a friend, partner or the blogosphere is so important. Life changing decisions are never easy and I get it, we have the same conversation every year and we get no closer to an answer, but my house is filled with tasty treats to aid the discussions.
I think that talking about it or writing about it really is a great way to release feelings and it’s quite cathartic too. Baking isn’t one I do to release stress but I can totally relate to how it helps you. And it’s great that you have something you know will help settle your mind. x
Beautiful honest post. I an relate to that feeling sometimes, not depression but something just isn’t right and I feel out of sorts. I love that baking helps, my escapism is a good book. It always helps make me feel better.
I think its brilliant that you have shared this! I have a similar feeling at the moment – of not being good enough. Its linked to the blog. I know it is. It comes and goes and I worry I am missing doing other things because it comes all encompassing. I need to take that step back… maybe I should do some of that baking too xx
Ive felt like this before and it’s usually when I need some inspirational company – a good chat with an old friend, a weekend away with adults not kids, a girly night. I thrive on people and I’m not sure I could manage an island, the lack of chances to escape. You do very well, no need to feel guilty about the struggle. From reading your latest post tho it sounds like the mood is lifting xx