How to know if you are proper posh!

The Daily Mail has very helpfully published their “genteel guide to the foibles of the uber-posh” As it is the Daily Mail telling us, it must be gospel. We also know that I live on one of the poshest islands going. I am often ribbed by my friends back home who tell me that -

“You’ve changed”

when I order a San Pellegrino instead of tap water.

I don’t believe that I have become posh. However, I am slightly worried. Have I become too posh for my boots? Have I forgotten my Essex roots? Am I now Jerseyfied?

Slippers with a crest

The Daily Mail reckons that all proper posh people have a pair of slippers that are monogrammed with their initials and family crest. These retail at £310 a pair! Say what?! Are you having a laugh? I am sat here feeling dead fancy because I am wearing slippers from Joules. Slippers that I picked up in the sale for a tenner, or should that be,

“A Bill and Benner?”

Verdict: A definite fail. Do we even have a family crest?

Wedding rings are showy

Now this one is trickier because this applies to the men only. I know, fancy that, the Daily Mail excluding the women! Anyway, the Daily Mail reckons that “really grand men never wear a wedding ring” Ahaha! Perhaps I have changed, perhaps I am a posh man! I too don’t wear my wedding ring or engagement ring. Ok, this might be because they are too big. Let’s pretend that it is because I am a posh man. Apparently, a proper posh man won’t wear a wedding ring because it can get in the way in the heat of action. Oooher missus, that is definitely not the reason why I don’t wear my wedding ring. Oh, by action they meant hunting. Ahh. *Removes mind out of gutter*

Verdict: No wedding ring on my finger. A win for me.

Signet rings are tasteful

Again, aimed at the men here. A posh man likes to wear a signet ring. They like to fiddle with it, apparently. Perhaps this is to stop them fiddling with their sausage and two veg. We all know that the proper posh don’t fiddle with their penis in public.

Verdict: A fail. I don’t have a penis.

Bath salts from Italy

Posh people like to have a bath. Me too! That is because their big old house is draughty and a bath is the only way they can keep warm. I like to have a bath because it is the only way I can escape my two children. I’m sorry, that is awful of me. I haven’t quite been truthful there. I try to escape but inevitably they come and join me. However, the uber posh don’t have bubbles in the bath (they might be sipping on them mind), they have salts. Ahha. I have salts too. The only problem is mine aren’t from Italy and they don’t cost £74 for a 500g box. Mine are from Waitrose and they were £4. I thought that this was bit pricey too.

Verdict: A part win. I have bath salts and I shop in Waitrose. We all know that Waitrose is posh.

Give a hand to linen

The posh don’t have bath towels, they have linen and they change them daily. I am common as muck. I don’t have time to iron linen and I am most certainly not changing my towels daily. Think of the electricity bill!

Verdict: Big fat fail. Linen is for losers. Losers with a lot of money.

Eggs for brekkers

Prince Charles likes to have a boiled egg for breakfast every day. So do I but I save mine for the weekend. We don’t have time on a weekday as I am throwing cereal (Duchy cereal, not coco pops. Ok, it might be coco pops sometimes, all of the time) down my children’s throats. Charles gets his eggs fresh from one of his hens, I get mine fresh from the corner shop.

Verdict: A little bit posh. I am not even yolking.

In the Pink

The posh love their gin and tonics. Yes, I can get on board here, me too. However, the posh don’t add lemon but

” a dash of angostura bitters, an aromatic preparation of the alpine flower gentian and a variety of vegetable colouring first made in 1824 in Venezuela.”

Verdict: That sounds like a lot of effort. I want to drink it not admire it. I will stick to my Fever Tree tonic and lemon. 2 parts bitter, 1 part posh.

Crash the ash

Even if you don’t smoke you should make sure that you have lots of ash trays (aka big china jugs) available so that your guests can choose to light-up. One does not make a fuss if one’s guest lights up.

Verdict: Are you having a laugh? Have you not heard about the dangers of passive smoking? My house, my rules. Fail, a big fat smoking fail.

Floral walls and halls.

The posh love a floral bathroom. A bright, bold flowery wallpaper shouts money.

Verdict: Failing as I have blank walls that shout minimalism.

Writing colourfully

A posh person will always write a letter. I love nothing better than a letter as I hate technology! However, a super-posh person will have personalised stationery.

Verdict: Partial win. I like to write but my stationery is from the bargain bin in Paperchase.

A pet Lurcher

The posh love a dog and the companion of choice at the moment is a Lurcher.

Verdict: I don’t want to be picking dog poo up and, therefore, we have no furry friends. We do have a walking talking Max from the Life of Pets. He tells me that he is “the happiest dog in New York”. Partial win I do have a toy dog and he is very happy.

Initials on your clothes

The rich seem to be forgetful as they have to have their initials on their clothes, somewhere discreet. Perhaps it is a throwback to their school days because Oldest has this on the collars of all of her school clothes. Except I use a permanent marker, rather than a maid who sews them in for me.

Verdict: Partial win

Detachable shirt collar

Nope. I don’t understand this, why would one want to pretend to have a shirt collar on? Is it like a Wonderbra? Making your boobs bigger but in this case giving you a collar.

Verdict: Fail

A dim bulb

Those grand houses are very expensive to light and therefore they like to save money with a dim bulb.

Verdict: I can do one better, I light candles! See, I’m not so dim, saving money and electricity.

Euthymol toothpaste

It might taste like poop but the posh love it because it is supposed to prevent mouth ulcers and comes in old-fashioned packaging.

Verdict: Give me modern, mint tasting Colgate any day. Fail. I prefer my breath minty-fresh.

Size matters when it comes to wine glasses

It’s not the bigger the wine glass the better, the posh believe it’s a small Victorian glass which suggests restraint.

Verdict: I don’t want to drink my wine out of a thimble, give me a goldfish bowl. Fail.

Champagne as it comes

The posh don’t care how their champagne comes as long as it is cold. They will even drink it out of a tankard.

Verdict. Agreed. I will drink my champagne out of a mug if needs must. Win. I am as posh as they get when it comes to bubbles.

Individual salt and pepper pots

All guests should have their own little salt and pepper pot.

Verdict: You must be joking. I don’t even know where our one salt and pepper pot is!

Dirty car

The posh are out and about in the country with their pack of dogs. Therefore, they don’t have a clean car.

Verdict: Win! I am out and about and round Jersey with my very dirty car that is filled with two children. My two children could make any car filthy. They could do more damage than a pack of dogs. I drive a tip on wheels. Any posh person would be proud to be in my car.

Corduroy in bright colours

I don’t have any corduroy. It takes me back to my childhood when I lived in cords.

Verdict: Fail

Hot water and plug-in heaters

One must have hot water constantly as one does not know when their 20 guests might need a bath. Probably before cocktail hour in the orangery but it must be able to provide them all with hot water on demand.

Verdict: In our house you have 10 minutes before Mr C starts banging on the door for you to get out. FAIL.

Bare-faced chic

One that is posh does not wear make-up during the day.

Verdict - Win! I very rarely wear make-up because I would rather have an extra 10 minutes in bed.

Overall Verdict

I’m not quite jollying with the Cotswold set yet. However, I’ve made a start. I am just a little Jersey. I love a glass of bubbles and I shop in Waitrose where you can find me buying my bath salts. I will never be proper posh though as I am an Essex girl at heart.

How posh are you?

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