I have been swaying with sheer excitement at the prospect of starting the next chapter of my life in one moment to utter despair and worry the next. The reason for this is that in taking time out of the work place to raise my two children I have made myself unemployable. Coupled with the fact that I now live in Jersey I have realised that I stand little chance of finding the job of my dreams. Yes, I make a small income from this blog and yes, I now have some regular freelance writing jobs. However, I have realised that it is never going to be enough to count as a viable income. Also, working as a freelancer and blogger means that you are often at the mercy of the companies that employ you to write for them.
I hate chasing outstanding invoices.
I find myself anxious about the next step. I feel like I am reliant on Mr C. I don’t like that. In the middle of the night when I am unable to sleep and the darkness is almost suffocating, my mind starts to ramble. I find myself worrying that if something was to happen to Mr C or if our marriage were to fall apart then where would that leave me? Would I be able to provide for my family? At this point in time: no. Yet, I walked away from my career so I could be with my family. So that I could spend time with them. Do I regret that? No. But I am flummoxed about what my next step should be. I remember my Mum returning to work full-time because she had the same fears. She wanted to put herself in a strong financial position should anything happen to Dad’s job or their marriage. However, I also remember how hard she worked and how she struggled to juggle everything. How she spent her life dashing from one place to another. How the tiredness was etched on her face and how poorly it would make her sometimes. I also know that she never found that balance. She didn’t have that flexibility with her career. She just kept throwing those balls in the air and prayed that one didn’t smack her in the face. My Mum was the first to encourage me to become a stay-at-home mum, she wanted better for me and my family.
I am lucky
Let’s not forget that I am incredibly lucky in that I have this dilemma. At one time we were so broke and crippled by the cost of childcare that I had no choice but to work full-time and to accept promotion after promotion. There was no flexibility. Now we are fortunate to find ourselves in a better financial position and I have to remind myself of this. Do I really miss the career where I was leaving the house before 7am and working until 10pm? Yes and no. Some days I find myself so mind-numbingly bored that I would give anything to return to the classroom. Sometimes having to repeat myself the same instruction ten times plus to Oldest makes me want to scream in sheer frustration, it makes me want to return to a career where people listened to me and respected me. I keep thinking that it should be possible to have it all. But is it really?
Back to the classroom?
I could return back to teaching but then I would have to start all over again. When I left I had responsibility, if I was to return I would have to start at the bottom again. The curriculum has also changed in the years that I have been out of the classroom. More importantly I am despairing of what has happened to our education system. How it has had the joy of learning ripped out of the heart of it. How it has been replaced with this misplaced belief that we should be producing robots who can all regurgitate facts. We have forgotten about the individual pupils, we have forgotten about the personalities we are teaching, it is now test driven. Our education system is now elitist. Even if I could return to teaching I am not sure that I would want to.
Self-employed?
Therefore, do I focus on the blog and my freelance writing? As I said earlier, that is all well and good but it can be sporadic and you are a little at the mercy of the companies employing you. Also, will I ever make enough money from blogging when I turn 90% of the work down? Is that a mistake on my part? Do I need to start thinking of it more as a business? Then there is the digital media marketing course I am doing. Whilst I am enjoying it, it has led me to question what my next step will be, why am I blogging? On some level it has led me to feel embarrassed about what I do too. I feel like a bumbling stay-at-home mum dabbling in writing and blogging. That is no fault of the course but more reflective of my own insecurities. I don’t want to just be defined in my role of stay-at-home mum. I need more.
I feel incredibly selfish for saying that I need more. I feel like I must be a bad mum. That I should be satisfied to stay-at-home and look after my family and keep house. However, on most days I feel that I am a rubbish mum and as for keeping the house clean and tidy, I gave that up a long time ago. I have been looking to return to work. However, I have realised that I am unemployable. I have a massive gap on my CV and now I am not sure what jobs I am qualified to do. I have scoured the jobs section but finding one that fits in with the school run is impossible. When I found one job that was seemingly perfect, I applied. I heard nothing. Not even a thank you for your application but no. Nothing.
Come September I will have more time to myself. I don’t want that to be nothing. I need something to fill the time. I want to earn enough to pay the bills. Do I keep plodding away at this or do I give-up and return to the 9-5? I have a nasty feeling that it really is impossible to have it all.
Well personally I think your blog is one of the best ones out there so if other people can make money from it, you should certainly be able to. I think you do have to be quite strategic about it though and probably accept work you don’t really want, at least at first. I don’t think you would have a problem returning to teaching if you wanted to, but I get the impression that being in Jersey is a very different situation to if you were in England. I’m sure whatever you do you will be successful, and you are definitely not a bad mum for wanting to work. I think I would feel exactly the same in your situation.
Well I’ve been tagging along for most of your blog journey. I know how hard you’ve worked and how careful you are to stay true to yourself, which means you turn work down if it doesn’t fit and wouldn’t be ‘you.’ You have plenty of marketable skills and we’ve talked (typed) at length - I believe in you! You have so much to offer. I pray you find your perfect job or , even better, it finds you! I hope you find the balance you need and crave xxx
Oh Emma, I think you’ve articulated the situation so many women find themselves in. Even when our children are at school, full time work is a constant juggling act. Yet part time posts don’t exist.
Yes, teaching has changed. But there are still students who need to be taught. I still believe in the transformative power of education, if it’s not too cheesy to say so. Would you think about doing some tutoring or TA work? Or creating resources and selling them? I think you’ve got lots of options and it may be a case of trying things out and seeing what works best for you and your family. Good luck xx
Oh Emma, I feel you. I am so worried I will be unemployable post the baby days. That’s why I started blogging really to learn new skills. I’m sure if you want to accept more work you can increase your blog income if you want to. But I know how hard it is for such little gains sometimes. How about social media management? Are there any small businesses in Jersey you could contact? I’m sure something will work out and don’t feel bad for wanting more. A happy Mum means happy kids. But I agree I don’t think anyone can truely “have it all” xxx
Oh Emma, I really felt every word of this post. You are absolutely not selfish for wanting more and you are absolutely not unemployable either!! It’s so hard to get a balance as mums. I know what you mean, it can seem impossible to have it all. I do think it IS possible to have it all - but just not all at the same time. I have to believe that because that is me right now! My kids are coming first now and I’m just keeping other things ticking over, but hoping to build a career back up soon enough. Just because you have prioritised your family now, doesn’t mean you can’t have a fulfilling career again. If you wanted to return to teaching you could easily get up to speed, whether you would want to is another matter! (Another ex teacher here…) As for your blog I love how your personality always shines thorough your posts - but the great thing is they shine through your sponsored posts too, you wouldn’t even tell they are sponsored posts. I hope you find the right balance for you hun. You’re amazing! x
Hmm. Tough one. I am pretty sure that if it came to the crunch and your hubby’s job/or just hubby went tits up for instance - you would be looking harder and you’d find something. Maybe not a perfect job (but really - how many of those are there?) but a job that would keep you all fed etc - afterall, if that was your situation, your priorities would be totally different too. So then, if you’re wanting a job just for an identity then I urge you to see it from an outsiders perspective - you seem like a great gal to me, funny, intelligent, plenty of interests - believe me, you can hold your own : you already have an identity. I say embrace your situation and relish the fact your kids have you around and you’re also not stressed and vacant from spinning too many plates. Just because you don’t own any money from be a parent and a home-runner doesn’t mean it’s not a valuable part of the way your family runs - I’m sure your hubby would agree you’re the most valuable part. I think this generation makes women believe they are nothing if they don’t work, but what is work anyway, if nothing just to bring in the bacon. WOrk doesn’t give you an identity - you do. And I think you are doing a pretty good job at that already. Don’t feel guilty, enjoy your position.
You are right! The only problem is that I would like to contribute so that we can try and get ourselves in a better financial position and I guess I feel guilty that I am unable to help with that. I will carry on plodding though as you never know what is around the next corner.
I think you’re dead right Emma. You find yourself in a situation that lots of women experience. There really doesn’t seem to be a balance. If you make a financial contribution, your family time suffers. If you dedicate yourself to your family, your career suffers. Part time work ought to be a compromise, but it often isn’t because your career path is compromised, and you still end up with childcare issues. It my be a way to get the balance right though, if you can find the right part time job. Good luck x
A wise person said to me recently. Yes, women can have it all… but… rarely all at the same time. It gave me a lot to mull over and I think it’s true. Life has phases. Good luck in whatever you do.