I’m Horny, Horny, Horny, Horny!

If you have come here via Google hoping for a post in which I share my sex life, then you will be sorely disappointed. 1) I would never discuss my sex life on my blog. 2) I’m practically a nun, don’t you know ;-). Anyway, before I carry on in this vein and make Mr C consult the divorce lawyers, I will stop. But if you did come here looking for sex, shame on you! However, I must admit that I am writing this post just so I could use the title “I’m horny”. What can I say? I’m easily amused.

Gary Is Back

The reason for my horny declaration is that Gary Growth is back again. Remember Gary? He was that growth on my foot that baffled my doctor. He was the growth that wouldn’t go quietly and now, just like the Terminator, he’s back. You would have thought that after last time I would have learnt my lesson. There was a 40% chance last time that it could have been cancerous, yet I still dug my heels in and tried to ignore the growth. Then I realised I was being an idiot and took myself to the doctor. I’ve now gone and done it again. For 6 months I have ignored Gary crooning on my foot, “I want you back, I want you back for goooood.” But now I can’t ignore it anymore.

Supersized

This time Gary has become supersized. Well, in my head I have supersized it, but it is noticeably bigger than last time and with that have come all the associated joys of having a fricking horn growing out of your foot. I keep stopping to remove my shoe thinking that there is a stone in my sock to realise that it is the blinking horn. I’ve also obviously been walking funny on it without realising and pulled something in my other leg. I think I have pulled something anyway. My calf is very sore and swollen. Let’s not talk about Dr Google and how he predicted imminent death.

Dr Google Says No

Dr Google can be useful. It was thanks to Google that the Doctor was eventually able to diagnose what it was on my foot. It is also thanks to Dr Google that I have become scared again. When my leg started really hurting last week and was still hurting come Saturday I decided to google the symptoms and came to the conclusion that I had DVT caused by a cancerous horn. I know, I know, completely ludicrous but that’s what happens. Doctor Google only shows you the worst case scenario and before you know it you are convinced that your demise will be happening within the next hour.

I hate the doctors and I hate hospitals. In fact I hate anyone in a white coat. I have a classic case of white coat syndrome and will do everything possible to avoid visiting the doctors or hospital. Combine that with the fact that we don’t have the NHS on Jersey and therefore have to pay for every doctor’s appointment, referral, and operation, and I have another good reason for doing everything possible to avoid going. But Gary doesn’t give up easily. He has been frozen twice and cut out once but still he keeps coming back for a final croon. I’m hoping that this time will send Gary packing, but then if he is anything like his nemesis Gary Barlow, there will be no getting rid of him.

What Now?

Wish me luck, I can’t say I am looking forward to going back to the doctors and showing my horny side again. There is nothing like a horn growing out of your foot to make you feel like a medical oddity. Growing a horn out of your foot is very rare, and normally only seen in the very elderly and in people who have been exposed to radiation. I can’t help but wonder if my horn is a physical manifestation of my struggles with living on Jersey…..who knows, only time will tell but until then wish me luck, and think of me when you hear the song “I’m horny, horny, horny, horny”