Just call me ‘Secret Mum’, licensed to change nappies and put you to bed

Word on the street is that Her Majesty’s Secret Service is having a BIG recruitment drive. Finally, my calling has come. I am here to serve my country and to protect it. Clearly, I am perfect for the job. I would make a super-spy! I am very confident that I will be recruited as their newest spy, Secret Agent Mum. The most resilient and determined of spies. I am so confident that you will soon be seeing me swanning around in some smart suit, whilst necking a martini, that I thought I would share with you my application letter.

 

Dear M,

 

I was recently on a very important mission. I had been tasked to get my children to school on time. A rival spy had noticed that our normal punctuality had slipped and, therefore, she had challenged me with “get them to school before the bell goes” mission. Otherwise known as, “is there anything we can help you with?” I was tempted to ask her if she could help prise my children out of the house when they are moaning that school is boring, and if she could somehow clear the road of traffic! Especially, old ladies who like to drive at 10 miles per hour, and rampaging tractor drivers who are distracted by the Jersey Royals escaping out the back of their tractor. Instead, I gallantly bit my lip and accepted my mission. Therefore, imagine my delight when I heard on the radio that you required more spies. I fear that my time as a stay-at-home spy is coming to an end, and therefore, I would love to apply for this role. Here is why you should employ me as your spy:

 

• Blending in. As a stay-at-home mum I have perfected this art. In fact, I am practically invisible. Some days I am able to walk around detected by no-one.

 

• Extensive travel. I am used to travel. There is a saying on Jersey, that in order to stay sane you must flee from the rock at least every three months. I can confirm that the saying is true. Once I did a gruelling 6 months, I nearly lost my marbles. I now try to leave/escape every other month.

 

• “Going grey”. I am going grey. I blame the kids and Mr C. However, I appreciate that going grey also means the ability to conceal your work from others. A-ha. I am very good at this. Mr C seems to think that I spend my days swanning around and drinking coffee. Little does he know that I am actually carrying out research for my writing and blog. Obviously, that is why I spend my week working my way round the island’s coffee shops.

 

• Keen observational skills. I have this nailed. I can tell if anyone has even opened the door to the sweetie cupboard. I can spy a toy from a 100ft and my hearing means that I can tell when threenager is going to have a tantrum before she does.

 

• Good interrogation skills. This is an area of expertise. I have to frequently interrogate my children to determine who destroyed the bedroom, ate the last chocolate biscuit, what they did at school today!

 

• Persuasion skills. I am able to persuade Oldest to tidy her room by using several of my secret spy tricks, the most popular one being money!

 

• Spin a tale. A good spy can come up with a convincing story. Obviously this is another area of expertise for me, Father Christmas anyone and let’s not get started on the Tooth Fairy and why she sometimes forgets, bad mummy!

 

• Stealth mode. I can creep into the room of a sleeping 7 year old, while navigating discarded Lego in the dark, and remove a tooth from under their pillow. *Cough* When I remember.

 

• Self-reliance. As a stay-at-home mum I am very used to working on my own. It can be tough but we power on through.

 

• Can drive the get-away car. Have you tried driving a car with a threenager in the back launching toys at your head? I can drive under pressure. I am also very good driving fast, just say the words “I need a poo Mummy!”

 

As I have outlined above I think that I would make an excellent spy. I also have extensive knowledge of spies; I have watched all of the James Bond films and can confirm that Daniel Craig was your best spy. However, I am also partial to a bit of Inspector Gadget.

 

I look forward to hearing from you, just remember the code words - “but whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhy?”

 

Yours

OO1 (because Mum is always number 1 😉 )

 

What do you think? Would I make a good spy?

 

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