Happy Birthday Ma’am. I hope that you have a spiffing day and that you don’t have work too hard today. You are 90 years old and I wouldn’t dream of telling you to slow down and I think you are doing such a fab job. However, I do have the perfect stand-in, should you require – *drumroll please* – YOUNGEST! Not convinced Your Royal Highness? Well let me convince you that actually that Youngest could make an excellent stand-in….
Youngest’s queen like ways –
- Banished. You have the power to banish anybody from your kingdom. Youngest is frequently banishing me to her naughty step for a variety of reasons. Recently, it was because I dared to suggest that we might want to refrain from watching Dora for at least 24 hours. This did not go down well. One was not amused!
- A meeting with you is one that no one ever forgets. It is a real honour. One doesn’t forget meeting Youngest either but for very different reasons. Normally because she is having a right royal tantrum.
- You are very used to dealing with commoners. You shake their hands and graciously accept gifts. Youngest is also used to dealing with commoners but she isn’t as gracious as yourself. Choosing to scowl anytime she is told she is pretty and when she is offered a gift that is deemed beneath her then she has been known to throw a very regal look of disdain.
- You always look very well turned out and splendid in your royal finery. Youngest also has a wardrobe full of princess dresses. Like you she understands that the public like to see her looking her best. This will often result in three costume changes a day. One must look her best for her adoring public.
- You have loyal butlers as does Youngest. Your butler brings you a boiled egg in the morning, my first call of duty is to wipe Youngest’s bottom. I would much prefer the boiled egg. However, Youngest has the royal prerogative.
- You have a throne as does Youngest. Youngest’s throne is also called the toilet.
Youngest likes to sit on her throne for a good half-hour most days, even when there is a queue forming. This is when I am expected to perform my butler duties of entertaining her whilst she sits on the throne. I am not permitted to leave the throne room. Nor am I allowed to ask Youngest to hurry up even if she is being a royal pain in the neck!
- Like a queen Youngest believes that she is destined for great things, she hasn’t worked out what these great things are but she believes it.
- You are not afraid to make bold demands. As monarch you have held David Cameron accountable and you are very comfortable with making demands from him. The same goes for Youngest who likes to make all sorts of bold demands. Only yesterday she demanded that she be allowed to sleep with every single book from her bookcase. We are talking about at least 50 books. Less ‘The Pea and the Princess’ and more like Guy Fawkes and enough books to start a bonfire. We avoided any fireworks by letting her have her way.
- Youngest is unwavering in her choices just like you. Youngest believes that pudding comes before mains, that biscuits are for breakfast and that we are all her royal maids. One also must ensure that we always have a royal fortune of biscuits in the palace.
- Youngest likes to primp to ensure that she always looking her best for her subjects. Youngest has been known to stand in front of the mirror pouting and checking that she looks her best from every conceivable angle. She also has a hairdresser (me) by royal appointment and demands that I change her hairstyle to suit her outfit. Elsa hair will simply not do when one is wearing her Snow White dress.
One must always look first rate!
- Birthdays. Like you Youngest has more than one birthday. 4 to be precise as she seems to believe that every time someone in our house has a birthday that it is hers too. How magnificent.
- Ruler of her kingdom. Like you Youngest is a ruler of her kingdom, aka our house. However, it could be said that she is more like Marie Antoinette with her fondness for her cake and her dislike at being told ‘No’. We have to tread carefully for fear that she might shout –
“Off with their heads”
How Youngest is not very queen like –
However, Your Royal Highness, should you wish Youngest to act as your stand-in then I suggest that she might need training in the following areas:
- Politeness. As you are aware a queen has to be polite at all times, Youngest is not polite. Ever. Her favourite word being ‘No’ which is normally shouted.
- Etiquette. You could write a book on the subject because you are so well versed. What Youngest knows about etiquette could fit on the back of a postage stamp. Youngest needs training on how to sit at a table, how to hold her knife and fork and how to eat properly. One does not want to see what is inside the queen’s mouth when one is eating and it is also not funny to scare guests by opening said mouth very wide to show dinner inside mouth. Not very regal, one is not a dustbin.
- Speak properly. You speak very clearly and softly, Youngest does not. She shouts a lot and sometimes one struggles with what she is saying as she is talking so rapidly.
- Being graceful. You are the epitome of grace, Youngest is not. You glide across the room where Youngest likes to stamp, or if she is having a tantrum, she is dragged across the room.
Apart from the above I think that Youngest would make a grand stand-in so just let me know if you fancy it. Perhaps best not to mention it to Prince Charles as I am pretty sure that he is very keen to stand in for you too.