I might have mentioned it in the past, but my Mum loves it when I include her in posts. So much so that I actually banned her for a while. It got to a point when she was ringing up and telling me that the postman had seen her naked. Apparently, my Mum has to clean naked. That was fine, I am used to my Mum oversharing, I’m not going to lie, I might be an oversharer myself. However, fame (well, hardly fame, just my tiny but lovely readers) had gone to her head. She would start telling me shocking tales, and then casually drop in that I could include that in my blog. So for a while there I had a Mum ban. However, she is back again in all of her glory as this was too brilliant not to include. Yes, Mum, two weeks on the trot but don’t get any ideas. There will be no third week.
Some names have been changed to protect the identities of the people. However, there is no disguising my Mum and Dad.
Transcript of conversation (as far as I can remember)
It was one of my mornings where both girls are at school and, therefore, I am busy beavering away on my blog and putting the washing on, basically being a multi-tasking mum, boss/domestic wife. I am not watching This Morning and catching up on all the gossip about Stephanie Pratt and Joey Essex whilst simultaneously shovelling biscuits into my mouth, shouting/spitting crumbs at the TV.
“It’s a fake! They are not in love. You can’t kid me. You can’t pull the wool over my eyes. Oooh, maybe they are in love. There is such sexual chemistry there. Ooooh, I love it”
Ok, I was watching the TV but I was also typing on my laptop. This is why I need an office. No distractions! Another thing I need to do is switch my phone off because the next thing my phone is ringing. I hate speaking on the phone. HATE IT. I much prefer WhatsApp etc. We are in a modern world, people. Therefore, I knew that it must be my Mum, also it said on my phone screen.
Me: *Whispers* Hello?
Mum: Why are you whispering? It’s me, your Mum.
Me: I am whispering because if you are ringing then you must have something of extreme importance to tell me. Can I ask, does it include nudity, flashing or any inappropriate behaviour?
Mum: Noooooooooo. What do you take me for? I am ringing to discuss your campaign to raise money for all those very worthwhile charities.
Me: Oh you mean ‘Bloggers Beating Cancer’.
Mum: Yes, still not convinced by the name, just so you know.
Me: Well it’s staying.
Mum: Fine. Anyway, as you know, I like to help a lot in the local community and raise money.
Me: Yes Mum.
Mum: Well, I have mentioned it to all the different people I work with, the WI, the Vicar, my yoga group, Eunice.
Mum: They don’t understand it. They don’t think it has any legs on it. As the Vicar pointed out, why would you have a virtual coffee when you can have an actual coffee?
Me: But you are having actual coffee! It’s just a chance to do it with people who don’t live in the same town as you. Mum, you could use it as a chance to skype your friends in Yorkshire.
Mum: Oh I see, you have explained it much better. I should have explained it like that.
Me: I’m not being rude but do these people even know what the internet is? Is their combined age not 545, or something equally very old?
Mum: We might be old, Emma, but we are not past it. I will also have you know that the Vicar is quite savvy with the internet. He even has a website for the church.
Mum: No need for your sarcasm. I was talking to Eunice about it and you know that I am always very proud of you.
Me: I hear a but coming.
Mum: It’s just Eunice made a very good point. She asked if you should be doing something that requires dedication, you know, that really inspires people to want to donate.
Me: But this is about bringing a whole community together, showing the power of bloggers and what a difference we can make when we come together.
Mum: How about Everest?
Mum: Or something of a similar stature. Janet, round the corner, her daughter raised money by doing the ‘Three Peaks’. You could do that?
Mum: I would be more than happy to offer you support. I could come along too.
Me: You are offering to walk them with me?
Mum: Don’t be silly, I could get one of those support cars, you know like they have in Tour de France. I could shout encouraging words at you.
Me: *Mutters under breath* Doubt they would be encouraging.
Mum: Like, come on, move that lazy bottom of yours.
Me: *Mutters” Yep, like I said, hardly encouraging.
Mum: I can be very encouraging you know.
Mum: Also I would love an excuse to get away from your Father.
Me: What has he done now?
Mum: What isn’t he doing! He is driving me round the bend. He is flipping obsessed with those pigeons. He is up at 6am cleaning the pigeon poop of the patio. Then an hour later his feathered friends have covered it again, and he is out there again. He does this all day. All. Day. My life is being controlled by pigeons. I say “Michael, let’s go into Norwich” and he refuses. He is convinced that the pigeons wait for him to leave and then they swoop down and do it all again. He has taken to hiding in the bushes to surprise them with his pistol. The other day I found him on Amazon, he was perusing camouflage gear. I mean, he has always been a bit cuckoo but this is a whole other level.
Me: That is a little worrying, don’t you think?
Mum: No, it’s your Father, he just gets obsessive over things and this is his latest obsession.
Me: Well, it could be worse. At least he is not obsessed with porn, ahahahaha.
Mum: I would prefer it!
Mum: Well, at least he can do that behind closed doors. What if the neighbour sees him, hiding in the bushes, waving his pistol around?
Me: Perhaps you should take him to the doctors.
Mum: He has always been like this. Don’t you remember when a policeman leapt out on his car and pointed the speed camera at him? Your father was so incensed that he stopped his car, whipped his camera out of the boot, and started taking photos of the policeman, all the time shouting,
“how do you like it!? Not nice is it”
Me: Yes, I remember it Mum because I came across the scene with my school mates as I was walking home from school.
Mum: Ahh yes. Back then I saw these character traits as a little bit loveable and quirky. Now it’s just annoying. So annoying. So shall we do the ‘Three Peaks?’ What do you say? A nice girlie break.
Me: No Mum, let’s stick to Bloggers Beating Cancer for now.
Mum: Hmpf. I suppose so but perhaps afterwards…..
Mum: Great. I will get Eunice to put it in her diary.
Mum: Oh yes, she will want to come too.
Me: Great. I’ve got to go, I have a deadline to meet. Bye.
Mum: Funny, I can hear Phillip Schofield in the background.
#BloggersBeatingCancer – join us on Friday 30th September at 10.30am, for coffee and a social media thunderclap. Use the hashtag, get your friends involved, and get fundraising if you can. Anyone can take part in the virtual coffee morning. Who doesn’t love coffee and a natter? Get hold of your friends, chat online, it could be the friend who now lives abroad or the one who lives in the next town. Thanks to the internet you can chat to them like they are in the same room. Join us have a chat, make a difference.
Please donate to or share our fundraising page, which is open from today – https://mydonate.bt.com/fundraisers/bloggersbeatingcancer