22 Things I never thought I would ever say

The other day I was in Costa Coffee with Youngest. I was demonstrating my excellence at multi-tasking. Sipping coffee whilst simultaneously giving Youngest her drink; helping her stick her stickers into her magazine, playing with her zoo animals whilst sporadically checking twitter and keeping an eye on the time so that we didn’t end up getting a car ticket.

Now it is quite a lovely Costa Coffee in a rather pretty and well to do part of the island.  Although every time I go it never seems over busy, there is always the same lady sat in the window, typing on her laptop. I always want to ask her what she is doing, perhaps she is a bestselling author or maybe she is just updating her Facebook status –

“sat in Costa Coffee, peace now shattered by child and her crazy mother”.

However, it does irk a little because the lady in question has always nabbed the best table in the cafe, right in the window where you can watch the world go by and the watch the boats bobbing in the harbour. Well this week the lady wasn’t on her own because a man turned up too and he got out a matching laptop. I found this incredibly exciting. You will have to excuse me but my life is quite sedate nowadays. They were sat on the same table but didn’t communicate as they were too enraptured with what was going on their respective screens. I found myself momentarily distracted as I tried to fathom out what their relationship was and what the man was doing on his computer, I could just make out his computer screen so I was trying to have a nosy without them realising. Youngest took this as her opportunity and on looking at my daughter I shouted the words

“take that tiger’s tale out of your nose”.

No not a literal tiger a toy tiger

The very quiet coffee shop became quieter still as a tumbleweed rolled past and now laptop couple had noticed me so there was no more chance of having a nosy. I then realised that I had uttered a sentence that I never have thought I would have the need to say, ever. It then got me thinking about the sentences I have said in the past that I never thought I would say but have now said since having children.

Out of the mouth of parents

• “We are having a Dora detox. I can’t take anymore.”

• “I don’t think we should have another child, I think we should get a dog instead. At least we can put the dog outside”

• “I had a lie-in this morning, the kids didn’t wake me up until 7am”

• “Stop playing with Woody now, it’s time to go to sleep”

• “Let’s have an early night and go to SLEEP!”

• “I’m not a climbing frame”

• “Just make the madness stop”

• “Stop hitting your sister over the head with Buzz Lightyear”

• “No I do not want to come upstairs and look at your poo”

• “Licking your hands does not count as washing them”

• “It is not hygienic to eat crisps whilst sat on the toilet”

• “Can you stop getting your bottom out in the supermarket”

• “People don’t like it when you bite the end of carrots  and put them back on the supermarket shelf. It’s not polite.”

• “You have had enough olives” I know very middle-class.

• “You have done more than enough homework, why don’t you watch some t.v”

• “that is a BELLY BUTTON, not your BOTTOM”

• “it’s called a SEAT BELT not a FOOF BELT”

• “Stop sucking on your toes”

• When we are in the bath we don’t drink the water”

• “Stop licking the biscuit and just eat it before I lose the will to live”

• “Don’t wipe your nose on the clothes. We are in a clothes shop and that lady over there might want to buy them”

• “I think Topsy and Tim are evil and their Mum is some shebot”

So there you go. The list is endless but I felt that I should stop there. I think 22 just about nails my point for now…. or that is what I thought. Since writing this list I have found out that I have been shortlisted for Fresh Voice in the 2016 BiBs. So the 23rd third thing I never thought I would say is –

I have been shortlisted!

I am completely blown away and so excited!! Well done to everyone that has made the shortlist and thank you for voting for me. I would love it if you would now vote for me again which you can do here britmums.com (just click on the link). You can only vote for me in the Fresh Voice category. Also if you vote for me more than once then the votes will be disqualified. Thanks 🙂

I will try to write something that makes more sense when I have calmed down but in the meantime I need to do the school run and calm down. Thank you! 🙂 🙂 🙂

What little gems do you find yourself saying?