I have become strangely familiar with BBC Radio Jersey. I almost feel at home there. However, I still get the nervous butterflies. This time was no different and I had to retreat to the “ladies room” to compose myself. It was rather fancy in there. A VERY spacious room, I could have swung a whole army of cats in there. It also had an electronic hand paper dispenser – I was very impressed. Yes, I am easily impressed. I considered hiding in there for the duration of the show. I debated the merits of staying put and playing with the paper dispenser. Who knew that waving jazz hands in front of an electronic hand paper dispenser could be so much fun! However, in the end I gave myself a stern talking to in the mirror –
“Get a grip Emma. No one you actually know will be listening. Oh hang on a minute you told people on your blog! You need to stop telling people on your blog. You need to stop sharing everything. You need to keep somethings to yourself. This is one of those things that you shouldn’t have shared.”
It had been a weird day. After BML I had realised that perhaps I needed to try vlogging. We learnt that brands like vlogs. I am comfortable making films but putting myself in front of the camera, not so much. Don’t forget that when I first started this blog I wanted to be anonymous. The only picture of me was in silhouette. I did this because I was scared of revealing myself. However, yesterday I was trying to make a vlog. I had already spent an hour grimacing for the Jersey Evening Post photographer! I was not feeling relaxed. Whilst stumbling my way through my vlog I asked myself why I was doing it. I felt that I had to try it. I tried it. I don’t think that I will be repeating it.
As I took my seat in the studio I felt uncomfortable. Not because of Charlie, he is a brilliant presenter who immediately puts you at ease. No, I was feeling uncomfortable because I realised that I was going to be talking about my award. I didn’t know how I would talk about it or what I would say about it. I’m not very comfortable talking about it. It’s the British side of me, the side that can’t take a compliment. When I am complimented on my achievement I tend to mutter something about being lucky. Really I should be graciously accepting the compliment. It is an achievement. I should be shouting it from the roof-tops –
“yaaaaay award winning blogger”.
But I don’t. It’s weird. I am incredibly proud that I have achieved it, I just don’t feel comfortable talking about it. I should wear it round my neck because then I wouldn’t have to talk about. I could deflect it with the medallion.
“what’s this – oh this little shiny thing. Oh it’s nothing. WELL as you are asking…it’s an award. An actual award! My first ever award! Well there was that one time I won the 3-legged race but I can’t really take the credit. It was really my partner who won after dragging me 50 metres down the track. She was determined to win and I had the bruises to prove it”
That wasn’t a very good deflection was it? I need to embrace it. Yet I sat in that studio wondering what on earth I was doing. This hadn’t been helped by the business card/beer mat that I had handed over to Charlie. We were told to get business cards because we should hand them out to brands. In the end I hardly gave any cards out as I was too busy chatting to everyone in the room. I now have a hundred business cards that I need to flog to everyone. Coming to a phonebox near you – my business cards! As soon as I had handed the card over I asked myself what I was doing. I felt weird. But then this is weird. It’s not everyday you win an award and it’s not everyday you are on the radio. WEIRD.
Charlie was lovely as usual but he does have a way of getting under my skin. One of his questions was how am I going to keep it up? Later, when I thought about that question it scared me. However, I think that perhaps Charlie assumes that my blog is very well thought out and controlled. Maybe he thinks I have this grand plan for it. I don’t. I blog/rant about all sorts. I blog about what has happened that day or what is on my mind. I blog because it is cathartic. I don’t blog to make money. I have no plan. Perhaps I do need a plan, perhaps I need to stop being so open. Perhaps I need to put on an act. My blog isn’t really filtered, is that wrong? Am I going to start censoring myself? No! The reality is that my blog is an extension of me.
I left the interview feeling weird. I left the interview feeling that I had struggled and that I hadn’t used the right words. That I had just talked a load of rubbish – nothing new there. I waffle on about stats. The stats I heard at BML. They have been bothering me. 10,000! Charlie asks me about my stats. You should never ask a blogger about their stats! I avoid his question by saying that I am moving in the right direction. Doesn’t mean that I am near though! I waffle about ‘big’ bloggers. I declare my undying love for Tim (from Slouching Thatcham), again. He needs to get that restraining order. I waffle about working with brands and vlogging. I waffle about having my photo taken with lovely people and how I can’t believe people would want me in their photos. Ugh the whole thing is just awful. Basically I just waffle. I wasn’t going to share the radio clip. I didn’t share it last time but perhaps I should just embrace the waffle and sheer awfulness of it.
However, I can’t have been all bad because lovely Charlie recommended me for another slot.
I will be reviewing the newspapers. Bonkers. Also very exciting because despite my waffle I do love being on the radio. Yes, I need to embrace it. I need to stop hiding. So in the spirit of not hiding please find the clip below and click. I am about 2 hours 15 mins in. Enjoy and cringe at the sheer awfulness of it 🙂