I gave birth to Kanye West

I have recently realised that my daughter is actually Kanye West. Not convinced? Well let me explain;

•Like Kanye my daughter is riding the seesaw of emotions. One minute she is happy and she is giggling away, the next minute she is having a very public meltdown in Waitrose, screeching as she lies on her back and flaps her arms like an injured bird. The reason for this outrage? Well like Kanye it is because i’m not letting her express her creativity, which apparently is demonstrated by leaving tooth marks in all of the carrots. The carrots to youngest are what twitter is to Kanye.

•Whilst Kayne continues to extend the lyrical and musical boundaries of rap my daughter continues to do this with the English language. Inventing new words that we must understand or face the wrath. Some of these words include foof for seatbelt and pancakes for Jaffa Cakes. Clearly a genius.

•Kanye describes himself as “the most important living artist” threenager would describe herself as the most important person in the whole entire world. As such we must worship and do exactly what threenager demands. Threenager is very self-indulgent.

•Like Kanye we must never ever question the genius that is threenager. Who are we to say that ice-lollies are not acceptable to eat for breakfast? No, we must accept that ice-lollies are indeed the perfect breakfast. We must applaud threenager for inventing a new breakfast that is perfect for children who demand breakfast on the go.

•Kanye once said “there’s nothing i’m doing that’s uncool” and like Kanye threenager has invented her own ‘unique’ fashion line which involves wearing princess dresses over jeans and with welly boots. But also like Kanye we must not openly criticise her fashion choices. No, it’s our fault that we don’t always get her fashion choices. Threenager is just being so innovative.

•Kanye once said that he was “more that 50% responsible for every man’s shoe that they sell. This is the same for threenager, but instead of shoes it’s biscuits and it’s threenager (well me, acting on her behalf) buying all of the biscuits. There was a headline the other day in the Jersey Evening Post that there was a shortage of biscuits on the island. I realised then that threenager had finally done it, she had eaten all the biscuits on the island. Impressive work.

•Kanye is running for president. Threenager is already president in our house, hang on president isn’t the right word. Perhaps despot?

•Kanye has a love hate relationship with the paparazzi. This is the same for threenager, she will happily pose for photos when she is the star of the show but lo and behold if she has to pose with anyone. No, that will not work for threenager. Recent example of this being when she refused to pose with oldest in her school photo. Cue an epic Kanye meltdown which involved her screaming “no” and stamping her foot. Very Kanye.

•Kanye can feel a little hard done by and has had an epic twitter rant about how poor he is. The same goes for threenager who is also very hard done by as I won’t let her eat biscuits morning, noon and night. Cue epic ranting.

•Kanye sees the world as his “own canvas” and so does youngest. This includes expressing herself on my white walls, on herself and on her sister.

•Kanye once said “I will be the loudest voice” Yep, threenager has that nailed, just ask the neighbours.

•Threenager also agrees with Kanye that “ninjas are totally cool….I just don’t know any personally” but threenager can go one better as she is an actual ninja too and one that likes to practice her moves on me!

So that concludes my evidence and by now I hope that I have persuaded you that my daughter could actually be Kanye. Still not convinced? Well, let me leave you with this question -

Have you ever seen threenager and Kanye in the same room?

Ah-ha! I rest my case.