I’m Having An Affair – Conversations With Mum

“I’m having an affair.”

That was one sentence I never expected to hear come out of my Mum’s mouth. I mean, the woman is practically a saint for putting up with my Dad and his crazy hair brained schemes and his relentless chasing of pigeons. But an affair! My Mum often likes to surprise me on the phone with her tales of naked yoga and cleaning in the nude. Hmm, seems to be a running theme.

Me: What!

Mum: I’m having an affair.

Me: What! What! WHAT!

Mum: No need to shout!

Me: I bloody well will shout! You are having an affair and you call yourself a church going Christian!

Mum: *sighs* Emma, don’t swear.  I’m not having an “actual” affair.

Me: What? Now I’m really confused.

Mum: But the whole village thinks I am.

Me: How? Why?

Mum: Well, that week I was over visiting you for your birthday and your Father stayed behind.

Me: Yes, so he could get his pinny on with his mates and roll up a trouser leg.

Mum: *sighs* Yes, he discovered a fellow pinny wearer in the village. They recognised their secret code and stood there on the high street exchanging secret handshakes. I was mortified that Eunice might see him. I haven’t told Eunice yet. She would think it was weird.

Me: It is weird. I watched an undercover documentary on it once. Something about pigs’ heads

Mum: You are getting mixed up with Cameron. It’s a goat’s head.

Me: Still weird.

Mum: Yep, anyway back to the affair. Your Father went into the coffee shop and Geoff was in there in his usual spot, having his usual tea and usual cake. *Sighs* It’s just so predictable sometimes.

Me: Hmm, I know that feeling.

Mum: Anyway, Geoff asked where I was. He boomed it across the coffee-shop. So your Father booms back – “she’s left me”. Well, apparently you could hear a pin drop.

Me: How do you know that?

Mum: It went round the village. Everyone knew by lunchtime including Eunice. She told me when I got back yesterday.

Me: Oh.

Mum: So the coffee shop is in silence and your Father makes it worse. He tells everyone that he is lonely. He then says that I have run off with his best mate.

Me: Oh no. I am cringing.

Mum: It gets worse. He then says that he misses…….his best mate!

Me: Oh Mum.

Mum: His sense of humour is just weird at times and they all believe him. I went round the village this morning and I could see people whispering and pointing at me.

Me: Well, surely they know it was a joke.

Mum: Believe me they don’t. Betty grabbed onto her husband when she saw me coming. I’m sure she ordered her husband to look the other way. They all seem to think I am some man eater now. I am the Medusa of the village. I wouldn’t mind but the last thing I would want to do is run off with any of their husbands. I quite fancy being on my own actually! You aren’t laughing are you?!

Me: I’m sorry, it’s not funny, but the thought of you as a man eater.

Mum: The worst thing is that Dave in the hardware shop seems really hurt.

Me: Mum! I told you that Dave had a thing for you!

Mum: Hmmm. Perhaps I should run away with Dave. He is a lovely man.

Me: MUM!

Mum: Well everyone thinks I am having an affair so I might as well have one.

Me: MUM!

Mum: I was in the library looking at their yoga section. One book by the way, disgraceful! I then hear two ladies talking on the other side of the shelves. They are talking about me and my apparent fancy man. It’s out of control. The story now involves me meeting up with my fancy man at The Little Chef on the A14 near Ipswich.

Me: Oh the shame!

Mum: I know! As if I would ever set foot in a little thief.

Me: They do have nice lollies though, if you eat all your meal.

Mum: If I was having an affair, I don’t think I would be worrying about sucking on a lolly.

Me: Hahahahaha.

Mum: Emma, get your mind out of the gutter!

Me: Hahahaha.

Mum: Anyway, I am in hiding. I daren’t go out in the village. Women keep giving me looks of disdain and the men keep winking at me.

Me: You hussy, Mum.

Mum: I know and I am on warden duty this weekend. Well I was supposed to be but the Vicar said I should find a stand-in. Your Father has gone too far this time.

Me: Perhaps you need to get your own back.

Mum: I do. Hmmm. But what should I do?

Me: I have an idea Mum….

 

What do you think? Has my Dad overstepped the mark? Should my Mum get her own back? What would you do?

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