Yesterday I read an interesting article about how we are all
“sucking the joy out of parenting.”
The reason for this is that apparently we have now become a society that over thinks everything. Instead of trusting our instincts we turn to the latest child manual or we consult Dr Google. We spend our time worrying. This is something that I can understand.
Oldest was not an easy baby but a big part of this must have been my inability to relax. Before Oldest had arrived I read every baby manual going. Including the now loathed Gina Ford. Despite my natural instincts telling me that I had a baby that would not be regimented like Gina Ford demanded, I persisted. The end result was that I felt like a failure. I had a baby, an individual, not someone who would conform like Gina said they would. So then I turned to the ‘Baby Whisperer’ looking for answers and again I didn’t get any. 6 years and another baby later and I now realise that I had set myself up to fail. Instead of trying to force Oldest to fit into a schedule I should have adapted to her schedule. By the time Youngest arrived I had learnt from my mistakes. I trusted my instincts, I followed my baby’s cues and as a result we were both happier. The key difference was that with Youngest I was no longer worrying about getting everything right. Instead I went with the flow.
The worrying climate of fear
It is very hard to go with the flow when we are a first time parent and living in a climate of fear. This climate that is fed by the multi-million pound parenting industry. An industry that devotes itself to scaring us about what will happen if we fail to comply to the latest chosen method:
- If we let them control cry they will be end up mentally scarred and suffer long-term emotional damage.
- If we practise attachment parenting then we will end up rearing clingy and needy children who will be unable to survive as an adult.
Whatever method we choose we are made to feel that it is the wrong decision. The reality is that whatever parenting theory we choose to employ, our children will probably turn out fine (touch wood). It is this climate of fear that probably explains why research has shown that those that don’t have children are a lot happier than those that do. Of course they are. They aren’t being made to feel constantly guilty for their parenting decisions. It also helps that they get to go to the pub on an evening and drink a massive cocktail whilst having an adult conversation. A conversation that doesn’t involve any talk of poo. No poop. Not even a nugget 😉 .
Intense parenting
Another part of parenting is that it can feel so intense. I am sure that it can’t have been like this when I was a child. In today’s society it feels like we are all very time poor and therefore there are higher expectations placed on family time. It also feels intense as there is the sheer amount of homework that children have nowadays. As their parent you want them to do their best so you can end up spending hours helping them do their homework. Then there are the after school clubs and again it can feel like the more the better. Before you know it you are spending most days ferrying your children round to different clubs. What happened to letting children just be children. Letting them come home from school and just play, opening the back door and letting them burn off their energy in the garden. Why have we become a society of parents that feels like they have to hover, control and entertain constantly?
Reclaiming parenting
We need to relax. We need to stop worrying. It’s time that we reclaimed parenting back from the manuals. There is no right or wrong answer. Every child is different and instead of worrying about it we need to embrace it. If we aren’t careful we will miss the joyous movements of parenting because we have our noses buried in a manual. Instead of listening to the latest parenting expert we need to listen to our children.
It’s time to stop over thinking parenting and time to start enjoying our children
What do you think? Are you with me? Let’s reclaim parenting together….
just after I have asked Dr Google about Youngest’s intense dislike for vegetables and whether this will stunt her growth.
It’s so hard not to worry when we have access to so much information (Google can be your best friend and worst enemy) and there are so many conflicting opinions out there. I agree that we need to trust ourselves more, though - if something feels right to you, then it probably is. #StayClassy
Yes, but like you say it is so hard to trust yourself when we have so much information. Argh. Sometimes the less you know the more confident you feel 🙂 Thanks for your comment x
I completely agree. I think it’s a combination of having fewer children and being more educated about everything that has led to the current culture of overthinking everything, and it’s really difficult to stop doing it. I am certainly guilty of it myself, even though I do trust my instincts. #StayClassy
Yes, you are right I think less children is also key to how intense it all is. I am the worst person for overthinking everythinking! I think having two children has made learn to go with the flow a bit more. Thanks for your comment 🙂
My two are still both under three but already I agree with you - I see parents of NG’s nursery friends starting French lessons with them and, whilst there’s no harm in that of course, I wonder if they wouldn’t rather ‘go to the swings’ (as NG wants to FOURTEEN TIMES a day). I am most worried about the use of technology in later years for them - will they all be glued to devices for 18hrs a day, as a recent study I read said was happening? I am not a great role model in that area either … but am conscious of the fact that my favourite times were swinging on some bars by myself near brambles about 5mins from home when I was 8. I hope NG and NC have similar memories. Thanks for posting. #stayclassy
Haha, well Dr Google has his place! I completely agree…somewhere deep in my archives I have a post on the same lines sort of that I was thinking of reviving…its focus is on the manipulative language used by baby experts preying on vulnerable, often anxious, new parents. The ability to feel guilty is something parents have pretty much mastered without the need for it to be added to by, as you point out, a multi-million pound industry. If I ever get round to rewriting it (which I hope to do before my second baby arrives, to remind myself of what I’m saying) I’ll link to your post here too. Reclaiming parenting (which just a tiny bit of Dr Google every now and then) sounds like a plan! #stayclassy
I would love to read the post if you do get round to posting it. It is terrible how this industry feeds off vulnerable, new Mums. You are just desperate for answers first time round but then I think you soon learn that there aren’t always answers! Thanks for your comment
Totally agree with you. If I did it all over again I would definitely be more relaxed and not stress about every tiny little thing!
Yes, hindsight is a wonderful thing isn’t it! I look back and I just think “Why?” was I getting so stressed about it all! Thanks for your comment x
Totally agree. I try to go with the flow but there’s a certain amount of guilt when I pay attention to anything other than my baby (say, to make her lunch or something utterly selfish like that ;-)). I’ve often wondered what parents in the past, with bigger families and less labour saving devices, would make of all this agonising.
I think they would think we are all bonkers for worrying so much. I think it is a combination of less children and more information makes for a very toxic combination! Thanks for your comment 🙂 x
I completely agree with you Em, I think I made so many mistakes when my oldest was born and then my middle one arrived a year later and still I got things wrong fast forward 13 years and littlest arrived and I felt so relaxed about it all, which is key really. Going with the flow and following her cues made it so much easier.
Brilliant post!
Amy x
Yes, I think the key is to always go with the flow and try not to over think everything, just trust yourself. Actually, I think that could be applied to life in general. We are all so busy rushing around, trying to force things along, when sometimes we just need to go with the flow and appreciate what we have. 🙂 x
It IS difficult not to consult Google on these things, however I have ditched the parenting book since baby number two… #thelist
yaaay for ditching the parenting books though! I still have a few floating around, that I must put in the bin! x
This is true. I much preferred Tracy Hogg who was like the anti Gina - who encouraged you to trust your instincts and kept telling saying that you were the best parent for your baby and you were doing great 🙂
Yes, Tracey Hogg was a much more balanced view! I can’t believe how much of a routine I tried to impose on Oldest now. But we live and learn! 🙂 x
Yes, like you I love Dr Google but also loathe it too! 🙂
This post is the BEST. Completely agree, let’s claim back parenting! Ah this should be a social media campaign or something with an amazing meme. : ) I was thinking about this the other day, parents are made to feel so guilty and there are way too many books (and none of them help). I was thinking there should be some sort of parenting meditation course where we all learn to chill the eff out. Parents have been raising children for so long yet we act like this is the first time it’s happened and follow suit. But at the same time, I know how heard it is not to consult Dr. Google. Thanks so much for linking up with #StayClassy!
We really need to claim back parenting with an awesome meme and get it all over social media. Huzzuh! And i’m all for a parenting course where we chill out! 🙂
I adore this. I completely agree it can be overwhelming and scary with all the pressure placed on parents. I hadn’t actually heard of Gina Ford, my sister in law remarked how relaxed I was when we first had our son and said she was a nervous wreck as they’d tried to follow Gina Fords schedule with their first daughter. I looked it up and was baffled! It made no sense to me at all. Trusting your instincts is, to me, the best parenting advice and it’s strange how often we forget to do just that. This was a great post, thank you for sharing with #BloggerClubUK
Yes, trusting our instincts is the way forward. But I guess we forget that sometimes because of well meaning friends and relatives and the books! 🙂
I love this post - in fact, I’ve just written one myself (still in draft) on this same subject that I don’t think expresses it quite as well! I’ve always been a big reader, and I’ve applied that to my parenting. While it’s given me loads of information, when there are so many conflicting approaches to parenting, it’s difficult not to doubt your decision. I’m not sure I’ve reached the end of my journey on this subject, but I’m trying to be more laid back and confident in my decisions. #bloggerclubuk
Yes, like you I am a massive reader and I think that was my downfall with Oldest. Like you say there is so much information and it is all conflicting - argh!
Lovely post. So true (although sometimes difficult) on so many levels. We mums stress too much (me included) and as you rightly put it, don’t land up ENJOYING our little ones as much as we would like. It’s something I’m working on too:)
#TheList
We are too hard on ourselves. We need to relax and just enjoy being a Mum. Easier said then done though! 🙂
I think as soon you start down the worrying route it is hard to stop. That is why I try to stay away from google! Just going with it really is the way forward 🙂
Awww, thank you lovely. That is very kind of you to say. It has taken a lot of tweaking but I think that I am really happy with it now 🙂 x
I’m totally with you! We (parents) know our children best and no one method is perfect for parenting any child. However, I haven’t learned this until baby #3. Go figure. Great post and I agree, let’s rebel against the system. I found you with #BloggerClubUK and sharing on FB.
yaaay I am glad that you are with me. It does take time to realise it though doesn’t it! I don’t think we ever stop doubting ourselves and then you can find yourself turning to the internet or those pesky books! It’s time to start trusting ourselves though. Thanks for your lovely comment, I didn’t realise that I was being shared on Facebook, that’s rather lovely 🙂 x
Such great points, I was gifted a copy of Gina Ford when I was first pregnant and thankfully never got round to reading it. This time round I am going to with my gut. We were really lucky with Monkey and I am hoping we will get lucky again, I am sure its all down to being relaxed and listing to our babies cues just like you say. As for homework and clubs we aren’t there yet but it won’t be long… thank you for joining us at #BloggerClubUK hope to see you again this week
Yep gut all the way! You are a sensible lady. Whatever you do never read the Gina Ford 🙂 x
Just browsing through the archives! I totally agree. There are a few key points that you can glean from books but every child is different. Mine were chalk and cheese. If I had youngest first they may have been an only child!!
I think the main message I got from parenting books was to try and have 2-3 hours between feeds, but that only worked because mine were both good feeders and didn’t snack.
I sent a text to my sister the other day. She is isolated, not many friends to bounce ideas of or to tell her to ‘chill’ etc. She is 42 and has a 6 month old and a 2.5 year old. She is constantly feeling worn out and stressed and guilty but is a totally awesome mum because she gives them time and attention and love…
My text said…My advice on parenting
1. Love them
2. Tell them you love them
3. Let your ‘Yes’ be Yes and your ‘No be No.
4.With 3 in mind, ‘CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES.’
5. Love them.
P.S. ‘Stop feeling guilty and being hard on yourself! Parenting is hard enough as it is!
Thanks for sharing.
Bravo! Totally agree but yet I am in the constant battle of worry vs allowing my children to find their way. Let’s embrace it together! Please follow @mumurmarvellous