The Domestic Feminist

I call myself a feminist and yet here I am a stay-at-home mum. Hardly rebelling against the patriarchal system, am I? There was a time when I thought that I had it all – I was successful in my career and I was ambitious. I was scornful of the woman who chose to go part-time and the women who chose to give-up work to stay with their children. I know, I was quite possibly an idiot back then, ambition can do that to you. I chased promotion after promotion until one day whilst on maternity leave with our second child I had a realisation – I realised that I couldn’t face going back. I couldn’t face the drudgery of work anymore with its endless spinning of plates and juggling of balls. For the first time I was finding being at home with my children more fulfilling than being at work. I didn’t dare admit this to anyone because I had been very vocal in my beliefs that a woman should have it all! I was too embarrassd to admit that maybe I had been wrong so I kept a tight lid on my feelings and convinced myself that it was just nerves about returning back to work.

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I reasoned that I shouldn’t be wanting to walk away from my career. My mother in the 1980s had fought for her right to work full-time whilst also raising me and my brother. She had fought to escape that kitchen and here I was wanting to return to the kitchen. Even worse I was daydreaming about domestic bliss, about having the time to bake with my children. To me the domestic life represented freedom. A life where I wouldn’t be forced to juggle anymore. But then was I wasting my education? Maybe, but then I reasoned that this was my choice to make. It was only thanks to Mr C and a new job that I found myself with a choice. I am very fortunate that I was able to choose this life.

When I was working long hours and running from work to childminder I might have had my rose-tinted glasses on and I may have assumed that staying-at-home was the easy option. It really isn’t. It can be tiring, mundane, frustrating and boring. On the other hand it can be rewarding, exciting, thrilling and amazing. It just depends on what side of bed your children got out of bed that morning 😉 . However, I will say that there is something that troubles me about being a stay-at-home-mum and that is the pressure to be the perfect stay-at-home mum. Looking at Instagram  I am often bombarded with images of domestic heaven, perfectly made homes that have been styled to look homely yet sophisticated, no Lego covering the floor and no crisps scattering the surfaces. Mums whipping up healthy, clean food that there little immaculate darlings eat. Not a sniff of fish fingers or chips. The mums themselves all look amazing with perfect nails, hair and smiles, they all have a big smiles on their face. No sign of frown lines and I should know, I have studied those photos looking for the tiniest crack in their superficial domestic bliss. I find myself disturbed because I wonder if they are aware that they are perpetuating the tired old myth of the perfect housewife. Do they have dinner on the table for when their husband gets home? I have left a career because I couldn’t have it all and now I find myself bombarded with perfect images of housewives. Housewives that wouldn’t look amiss in the 1950s. Don’t get me wrong. I briefly tried to be the domestic goddess and I try to keep a lovely, clean house but the Instagram level of perfection is exhausting. I am lucky if I have a perfect house for 10 minutes everyday before it is trashed again by two rampaging children. In the end I gave up in my quest for perfection because I wanted to enjoy my life.  I can’t have the perfect house, I have two messy children. I can’t be the perfect cook, my children hate vegetables and I can’t be the perfect wife. Am I failing?

Feminist in the kitchen

No, because although my house might not be the cleanest and my children might refuse to eat spiralised vegetables my children are happy and now I have time for them. I might just be a stay-at-home-mum but I’m not chained t0 the kitchen. I am liberated. I am in the kitchen because I want to be and it’s not clean food that I am making (well it might be sometimes), I am mostly baking glorious, calorific, gut-bursting cakes. So whilst us feminists have reclaimed the vision of a stay-at-home mum there is still some work to do and we should not feel the pressure to conform to the media’s ideals of the perfect housewife. I might be a stay-at-home mum but there is no way that I will be returning to the 1950s and I am not going to let my Instagram feed tell me otherwise. Domesticity isn’t glamorous and I won’t pretend it is. Mr C won’t be arriving home to find me waiting for him with a cocktail. What I will say about being a stay-at-home mum is that it is an important job and an undervalued job. We might not have status but this doesn’t mean that we should feel confined. In the words of Nadyia Hussein (who won Great British Bake Off and in the process became an unlikely spokesperson for all feminists )

“I am never going to put boundaries on myself ever again.

I’m never going to say I can’t do it.

I’m never going to say ‘maybe’

I’m never going to say I don’t think I can.

I can and I will.”

I am the one in control and I am the one who chooses if I stay in the kitchen.

 

Perfect housewife I am not.

I’m me – mother, wife and writer.

  1. This is a fab post and understand where you’re coming from. I too see the numerous Instagram photos of seemingly perfect, happy stay at home mums with their immaculate children. I try to remember that I’m just seeing a fraction of their lives, same goes with those on Facebook. For all I know, they could be painting a picture of perfection, yet behind closed doors, when the camera isn’t pointed, things are more chaotic. I’m no perfect stay at home mum and I’m one purely because I’m in a foreign country in which I barely know the language, so job prospects are minimal. If I could work part-time, I would. #TribalLove

    • Yes, I think we all have to remind ourselves that Instagram really doesn’t tell us the whole story. It can be easy to forget that at times though 🙂 x

  2. Love this post. I have to confess that I was very happy to leave my career behind and become a full-time SAHM – it was what I had always wanted to do. Not because I felt like I had to conform to the 1950s housewife image but because for me it felt like the right thing to do. The flip side of that is that I constantly feel like I have to justify my choice to do so – I rarely say that I chose to stay at home with the children (the truth) but usually that childcare would have been very difficult to arrange given the fact that hubby and I work irregular hours (also true but an excuse) In all honesty though I feel very lucky that I did have that choice. I do agree though that the image of the perfect housewife isn’t one we should feel under pressure to aspire too – fish-fingers and chips are quite often on the menu at my house and I don’t think my Instagram feed shows a perfect-looking house (although I will confess that I always shift any clutter out of shot!) To me, feminism is about giving women an equal voice and an equal choice – feeling under pressure to “do it all” in many ways enchains women too. Do what makes you happy and what feels right for you. Love the quote that you’ve finished with – a very powerful reminder that we are the ones in control and a positive mindset can make a huge difference. #triballove

    • Thanks for your lovely comment Louise, Yes, I agree, we all should do what makes us and our family happy. I also love your instagram feed!! In my post I am talking about the feeds that are clearly sponsored by rather lovely clothing companies. I’m just jealous really as I would love to be sponsored by amazing companies 😉

  3. Beautifully put. I don’t know any children that eat spiralized vegetables and I would very much like to try one of your gut-busting cakes.

    There is nothing wrong with fish fingers. I feel no shame x

    • Yaay, I tried to kid my children ONCE that courgetti was spaghetti, they were not fooled!!

  4. Right there with you! I was happy to become a SAHM but I do sometimes feel like I have to justify it to people – apologise for not being ambitious; explain (truthfully, as it happens) that we couldn’t afford nursery fees; witter on about feminism allowing people to make choices not forcing them to chase promotions etc etc etc. But I much prefer this life to work; I dread the time when my child(ren?) is at school and I can’t justify staying at home! But, no, I’m by no means a domestic goddess – our house is filthy and my partner does almost all of the cooking. I think he’d love it if I had booze waiting for him after a particularly trying day at work, mind you… I *might* just do that…

    • Nooo, we still need to be at home when the children are at school! That is what I am saying anyway. I will want to take them to school and pick them uo and I think that it is really difficult to find jobs that fit in with those hours. I agree that sometimes I MIGHT have some booze at home for the Mr. Normally on a Friday!

  5. Hahaha, but I bet he finds you at home drinking a cocktail you made for yourself yes? Because those are the best kind. Lovely piece as always my darling. xxx #stayclassy

    • Of course I make one for myself!! On a Friday I sometimes have one waiting for him 😉 x

  6. Exactly, it is all about having the choice 🙂 Thanks for your comment xx

  7. Oh I love how you end your comment Jane – feeling free and happy. I agree!

  8. Great post. I think the choice is the thing isnt it? It’s clear to everyone now I think that ‘having it all’ doesn’t really exist and many mothers who do work outside the home , do so out of necessity rather than choice. It’s a pretty complex area and the bones of it is we should all do whats best for us and not be judgemental of others. We are all complex and interesting women regardless of our occupation! #stayclassy

  9. Well said. I’ve been on maternity leave for the past 12 months and I can’t tell you how many times people asked me when I was going back to work. I AM going back (not by choice, but out of financial necessity), but why assume that? Is it wrong that I might prefer to stay home with my daughter until she’s a bit older than go into an office? Being a stay-at-home mom isn’t the easy option by far, but it IS an option, and no woman should be made to feel that she’s not a feminist for making it. #stayclassy #triballove

    • I agree and I know what you mean about people asking when you are going back! I keep getting asked what I am going to do when Youngest starts nursery part-time. I think I will be just fine 🙂 x

  10. YEEEEAAAAHHHHH!
    I love that quote, I remember feeling all heart-swellingly proud when I saw Nadia say those words.
    You are so right – providing it is your choice, and truly your choice, then you are no less a feminist for being a stay at home mum.
    #triballove

    • Yep choice is KEY! I actually had a little cry when Nadia said that! I was like Yeeeeeeeeesssss!

  11. Love this Emma. Feminism is not about a monolithic lifestyles it’s simply about women being as free as men – so if they choose to stay at home with kids that’s their choice as a feminist! I know what you mean about Instagram and all the lifestyle blogs with recipes and crafts do make me feel a bit useless sometimes… But that’s never going to be me! That’s not what I excel at as a mother, and that’s fine. My strong points are laughing a lot and lots of cuddles haha. You (in general, not you specifically I should add!!) could drive yourself mad trying to be the perfect housewife but it wouldn’t make you happy. I am waffling as usual. #StayClassy

    • It’s not waffle! An amazing comment as usual. Thank you for taking the time 🙂 x

  12. I have seen far, far too many posts of the ‘perfect home’ which is spotlessly tidy (I don’t believe that children really live in these houses) and quite intimidating – like, is it okay to sit on their sofas or will that wrinkle the throw cushions? Great post, and do what makes you happy! x
    #triballove

  13. I love love love this post. You have perfectly articulated exactly how I feel about being a SAHM. I will go through today with a spring in my step!! so often I feel either like I shouldn’t be doing this role because I am not good enough at it or I feel a bit trapped. The reality is we are free, independent women who have made a choice. And like you I rediscovered my passion for writing during this time which has made me feel more ‘myself’ than ever before. Tilly x ps. Saw this post on Mumsnet Facebook page

  14. Oooh yes!! This is brilliant! It definitely encapsulates everything I’ve felt in the past about being a SAHM. I used to compare myself to my other SAHM mum friends, we were even in a whatsapp group where they’d post daily pictures of the super healthy home cooked things they’d made their children, and it got to the point where I’d just post a picture of a normal cake, and caption it ‘sugar free, flourless crammed with hidden fruit!’ When it wasn’t…!! Then I had a massive re-evaluation of who I was hanging out with, and the people I wanted in my life, and had a huge cull of friends, old and new. Now I only whatsapp people about my frustration that my children have only chocolate rolls all day, and that my youngest has managed to bite 2 children on the face today. I too look at the Instagram perfect houses, but now just think that one day, when the children are older and doing their own thing, I’ll have all the time in the world to perfect my Laura Ashley bedroom! The children get taken to the park most days, on exciting day trips at weekends, have water fights, paint the shed, get read to and played with, and at the moment that is the most important thing! And I do feel the boredom and frustration from SAHM life, but I still feel liberated from shift working, that feeling in the pit of my stomach of driving to work dreading it, having to fight for annual leave and not be guilt tripped into not taking it, or being told that only person can be off at any one time, and that the whole summer is now booked by others and I won’t be able to have a summer holiday-I don’t flipping miss that at all! I do suffer from lack of identity, and other insecurities, but the babies are happy and there will be time for all the other stuff one day…!! Xx

  15. Oh my goodness I could have written this myself except it took me until my third maternity leave to reach this realisation! Beautifully put! Oh, and I do have dinner on the table for when Mr Mostly gets home but there is nearly always Lego all over my floor 😉

  16. Just so well written and so well said! What I love about your writing is that it is so honest and I feel that I know you and can picture your house and your kitchen and exactly who you really are – I love it! Right, when can I pop over for one of those gut busting cakes? But you’ll need to welcome me with a cocktail in hand otherwise I’m not coming! #KCACOLS

  17. Love this Emma. Firstly it makes me glad I’m not on Instagram!! But it also is such an important message that is really close to my heart. I used to blog about it a lot actually. Stereotypes are not useful, and they can be damaging – feminists we are and choice is at the centre of that. Also ambition can look like many things. That’s a wonderful quote from Nadyia Hussein too #KCACOLS

    • Thank you. Stereotypes make me rant quite a lot. Like you say they are very damaging x

  18. Great post and so very well put! As much as I’d love my home to look as amazing as some of those Instagram feeds it’s never going to happen. The more I try the more depressing it get and if I’m honest that time is better spent with my girls as they grow up far to quickly. So yes I think you have hit the nail on the head with this post.xx #KCACOLS

  19. A really interesting read. I think being a feminist is about exercising choice. I chose to return to work shortly after my baby was born whilst my husband took shared parental leave – believe ne, we got our fair share of raised eyebrows! That was my choice, it was also my choice to reduce to 4 days to attain better balance. It is up to us to exercise our choices, and I would defend any woman’s right to choose whatever path is right for her. You’re not ‘just’ a stay at home mum anymore than I’m ‘just’ a working mum. As women we need to empower and support each other #KCACOLS

    • Exactly, it is all about choice and if we are happy with our choice then that is all that matters x

  20. Such a well written post and such an important message. Women put far too much pressure on themselves as it is, we don’t need it from other people too. If I make it to bedtime and both my son and I are happy then the day has been a success, it doesn’t matter how clean the house it or how much laundry i’ve done. My son will hopefully look back on his childhood and remember fun and laughter, not say “Mum, I wish you’d hoovered more often!”

  21. Great post. I get told off by the other half all of the time for saying that I’m ‘just’ a stay-at-home Mam when people ask what I do. Being a stay-at-home parent is difficult, much more difficult than people realise and it hurts me how many people frown upon it, like you’re just lazy and don’t want to go back to work. I’m so lucky that I can be a stay-at-home Mam to my two kids and I wouldn’t change it for the world! xx #triballove #KCACOLS

  22. Thank you for your really lovely comment. I think none of us are perfect 🙂 x

  23. This is lovely to read. It’s funny isn’t it how when we go from working to being at home, we still feel pressure to perform. It must be ingrained in us. Whatever choice we make is the right one for us and our personal situations and we should just love what we have and are able to do. Comparison really is the thief of joy isn’t it. You are doing everything right. We all are. Thank you for sharing such a lovely post with us at #KCACOLS and we hope you can come back next Sunday. Nicky x

  24. I can really relate to this post. I used to be a career girl, and now I find I’m juggling both the kids and job to try and have it all, but what I really want to be is just mum, me at home where I prefer to be! Thanks for sharing # KCACOLS

  25. I would love to be just a stay-at-home mum! Like you did I questioned whether or not it was wrong of me to want to stay home instead of being ‘independent’ and working but no it isn’t. I want to be there for my child, I want to be involved in his life and be the one who raises him and for him to have 100% of my attention, rather than rushing to take him to nursery/to his nans and in a nutshell rushing through his life.
    The way I see it is your not ‘just’ a mum, your the person who makes your house a home (as cheesy as that sounds lol) spending time with your kids and making sure you spend time together as a family x #KCACOLS

  26. Big round of applause for you for everything you have just said, and to make you feel better I am proudly undomesticated and a rubbish cook. Visit my instagram for real life (read lazy) parenting 😉 I love the way you always manage to get your point across so well I am always nodding along and slightly in awe of your writing! #kcacols

    • Oh my goodness that is such a lovely comment – thank you! I will come find your Instagram 🙂 x

  27. I love this! I am not nearly the perfect housewife, and to be honest I really struggled leaving my job but I am so happy now. I may not be the same stay at home mom or wife other moms are but I am me and the best and happiest me I can be. And my kids, my husband love me and appreciate me for it (most of the time) #KCACOLS

    • haha, I like that you added the disclaimer – most of the time. Thanks for your lovely comment.

  28. I feel exactly the same – in almost every respect. I am not at home fully and don’t give up teaching to do cover until September – but I CAN’T WAIT to stop pretending I can do all this – I just can’t and I am miserable. And one of the big things that stopped me for so long was that I would feel like a failure. Love this post! #KCACOLS

    • Thanks for your comment, I was interested to read what you say about your feelings of feeling like a failure stopping you for so long. I think that is something very common amongst us teachers! Not sure why but I think we always carry this sense of guilt around. Glad that you are now finding a balance 🙂 x

  29. Love it. You nailed it. It’s our choice to be a stay at home mom, and just because you are a stay at home mom doesn’t mean you’re any less of a feminist. The Perfect Instagram Mom is all fake, I don’t believe for one second that their houses actually look like that. It’s just like models on women’s magazines, they have layers and layers of make up and numerous photoshop edits. Instagram filters out the real image of motherhood. You inspire me because I feel like I am you back when you were going after promotion after promotion, this makes me feel like I have a choice (if I want to later) be a stay at home mom. Thanks for the inspiration and sharing with #StayClassyMama.

  30. Beautifully written and so spot-on! Underneath all that perfection you see on social media, you never know the truth behind the smiles of those perfect SAHMs. And I personally think that ‘having it all’ doesn’t really exist! Something has to go.
    #kcacols

  31. Mmm cake. I hate how Instagram has become so perfect. It never used to be, the whole point of it being called instagram is things that are happening right now. Not things that you’ve faffed around with for hours to make look perfect. My house definitely isn’t insta friendly. My carpet has stains, there is lego and toys everywhere and my kitchen is a state. I do have a child who will only vegetables so I cook a lot of those but somedays I do wish she would just eat a fish finger or a chicken dipper. It would be much easier. #KCACOLS

    • Oh wow, I love that your kids only eat veg! Also when did Instagram stop being instant!

  32. I can really identify with this, In my opinion you can absolutely be a feminist and a SAHM – the key is CHOICE. I decided to leave my 9-5 to be at home with the children as it’s what worked best for me and our family. Even though my youngest is now at school, I’m still a SAHM because it STILL works for us and that’s nobody else’s business. I may decide to go back to work, when the kids are a bit more independent (the extra money would be lovely) but for now we choose to live this way. There is a stigma attached to being a SAHM (Lazy? Unfulfilled? Unambitious?) we’re not rich but we live within our means to allow me to be the one who ‘runs the show’ day to day however I know working Mums who feel terribly guilty because of the things they have to miss out on sometimes. We’re all just doing our best with what we’ve got and women should support each other regardless of whether we’re baking banana bread or smashing glass ceilings – it should come down to free choice.
    PS If you come to my house you’ll see Lego strewn floors and Fish fingers for dinner on a weekly (at least!) basis! Remember people only post the best bits. “Comparison is the thief of joy.”— Theodore Roosevelt #coolmumclub

    • Haha! Yes, the instaperfect life has a lot to answer for. Thanks for your lovely comment xxx

  33. Sometimes you just read a post that makes you want to hug the screen and say ‘YES, I am not alone!’.
    I remember saying to an ex-colleague, and mentor once, when he asked me whether I wanted a family or career; ‘I want both and I don’t see why I can’t have that’. I have to admit, I was a little naive. Maybe some women do have both, but right now I think I’d be sacrificing something if I were to try…and as I don’t want that sacrifice to be my family, the career is on hold. Most days I feel like a 1950’s housewife, but at other times I feel like I’m the luckiest woman on the earth. Especially the days we sod the sandwiches and go for all day breakfast instead, Just because we can.
    Thanks so much for sharing this with #coolmumclub

  34. I really love this. Like you I am a feminist and chose to stay at home. But surely feminism is about choice in the end and not being confined. We can have it all but not all at once. The perfection ideal placed on women in how they look and what they do is something that I have got more and more aware of as time has gone on. We could easily spend much of our lives running around trying to fulfil these expectations and miss out on being ourselves. It is part of the reason I wrote my book on motherhood, to let new mothers know that there is not one way to be a mother and there is no perfect mother out there. Great post. I will be sharing. #coolmumclub

  35. Great post and you’re so right. In a quest to get equality, I think mothers are often left torn between what they want and what they feel they should do. I felt a massive pull to stay with my daughter once she was born. My husband adores being with her but I don’t think he has that same desire I do. I knew I wanted to continue working because it’s something I wanted to do in the future and I work in an industry where I would never be able to step back in at the level I’m at. But I also knew I didn’t want to be in the office more than I was with my child. I work 3.5 days over 3 and it’s a great balance for me. I know I have those 2 precious days with my daughter alone and the weekend as a family. I’ve questioned whether I’m conforming to antiquated social conventions by doing this…but after 9 months in this new lifestyle I’ve realised I don’t care. You can’t have it all…there isn’t enough time in the day. But you can have a happy life! So glad you made the decision that was right for you rather than being dragged along by social expectation and the bizarre competitive drive so many of us seem to get at work now! #CoolMumClub

    • Ahh, thanks for your lovely comment. I am so pleased that you have found a compromise that works for you. I would have loved the opportunity to try part-time but that wasn’t an option 🙂 xx

  36. Love it! What did you do before you quit? My whole blog is based around the desire to quit my finance job to write, spend more time with my son and lead a more rewarding way of life but I haven’t found the answer as to how to do this yet! Sadly my salary is a requirement. Any advice gratefully received!

    • Hi Laura, I was a teacher and head of teaching and learning too. I would say that it is possible to make an income from your blog. It just takes time to build it up and find out what direction you want to go xx

  37. Thank you for your lovely comment, sorry that you are stuck in a mundane job 🙁

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