The ways of a threenager

I am living with a threenager. This is no joke. My threenager doesn’t do jokes, in fact jokes just make her angry. I spend my days anticpating anything that could cause her upset. I spend my days tiptoeing around her for fear that the slightest thing might cause her to explode. Some days this works, lots of days it doesn’t. What works one day won’t work the next day. You can’t fool the threenager.

Classic behaviours of a threenager;

• The threenager has high standards. She expects her every meal to be of michelin starred standard in that you will cater to her every whim. Those doughballs she loved yesterday are disgusting today. Yesterday she insisted on her cucumber being cut into sticks but today how dare you cut them into sticks, even though that is what she demanded asked for 5 minutes ago. And how dare you put milk on her cereal, who actually has milk on their cereal? Threenager likes to eat her cereal dry at all times of the day. Yes, it is perfectly acceptable for threenager to wake up in the middle of the night for a bowl of dry cereal.

• The threenager expects her sister to be her breakfast companion, always. It simply is not acceptable that sister might be trying to get ready for school. No, sister must be having breakfast with threenager so that they can discuss pressing current affairs like if you had to have a pet would it be Jess the Cat from Postman Pat or Duggee the Dog. Sister is too afraid to answer for fear she might say the wrong animal and enrage the threenager.

• The threenager likes to choose her own clothes. The threenager likes to take an individual approach to her clothes. The threenager will make brave fashion choices. Whilst to the rest of us Winter means wearing a coat this is not the case for threenager. No, threenager likes to prove her independence by wearing t-shirts, coats are for wusses.

• Threenager is invincible. Threenager thinks she can break conventional fashion rules. Threenager will wear her princess dress with welly boots over her jeans and top, for three days straight because, well, she is a threenager. Threenager will wear her sisters flip flops in the rain because why not?

• Threenager is also able to demand numerous dress changes during the day. Because threenager has to look her best at all times, she never knows when company might drop in.

• Threenager is too important to walk on the school run. No, you will carry threenager as well as threenager’s coat (which she is refusing to wear), threenager’s teddy bear collection, sister’s bag, sister’s lunchbox, sister’s water bottle, sister’s snack. You are not permitted to put threenager down for a second, even if you think that your arms are going to drop off. No, drop everything else but ALWAYS keep hold of threenager.

• Threenager will not tolerate you going into the classroom with sister. No threenager will not tolerate mixing with 6 year olds, they are old news. Everyone knows it’s about the three year olds.

• Threenager likes to hide all the time at the most inappropriate times. Threenager’s normal choice of hiding place is behind a door which she likes to leap out from behind whilst shouting boo. If this doesn’t cause a near heart attack then threenager will not be satisfied. Threenager also hates shopping and likes to demonstrate this by hiding in the shop and again scaring Mummy.

• Threenager is so important that she refers to herself in the third person - “no threenager would not like to go to sleep” and “threenager would like a biscuit now”. Oh and a personal favourite of threenager is “threenager is very disappointed with Mummy” this is usually after I have refused trip to cafe (see below) or another biscuit or the umpteenth bowl of cereal.

• Threenager is a lady that lunches in every single food establishment that you go past, regardless of when she last ate. Threenager is never full-up.

• Threenager has very clear expectations in that you will do exactly what she demands, straight away.

• Threenager does not tidy up, no threenager finds tidying away “boring”.

• Threenager believes that everything is “mine” this includes Daddy’s phone, sister’s bed (especially when sister is trying to sleep) and Mummy’s computer.

• Threenager is entitled to express her opinions very loudly whilst lying on her back, normally in the chocolate aisle of

• Waitrose or in the middle of a very busy street.

The threenager is a force to be reckoned with but threenager is also still my lovely daughter who can normally be brought out of a threenager attack by playing music and dancing. Another cure that sometimes works would make David Cameron proud, (don’t let this deter you) is the hug a hoody but instead of hugging a hoody i’m hugging my threenager.

But on the days that nothing works you can find me at the bottom of a glass of wine. Cheers!

Do you recognise any of the classic threenager signs? Do you have a threenager in your house?