Hello spam, I think I love you

Sometimes I get some spam comments on my blog. Luckily, it goes into a special spam inbox where I then have to choose if I want to release them or delete them - forever. That sounds so final. Sometimes, I find other lovely bloggers in my spam. This usually results in me tweeting them a profuse apology for the things they may have witnessed in my spam box. There is a very diverse bunch in my spam box. This week Kristine was found lurking in my spam. She had the following to say -

“I see your website needs some unique articles.
Writing manually is time consuming, there is tool for
this task. Just search in gogle for; Fejlando’s tips”

This is how I would respond to Kristine -

“Kristine, or can I call you Krissy? Kris? I ask because we seem to be on very familiar terms. Kristine, you seem to think that it is appropriate to tell me that my blog needs unique articles. Rude. Very rude Kristine. I pride myself on my unique articles. So much so that I have just spent half-an-hour trawling through spam to find you. Yes, that’s right, just so that I can write this. You might call that bloggers block, I call that dedication. Actually, you make a very good point, writing manually is very time-consuming, so last year. That is why I choose to TYPE. I can type very fast Kristine, about 100 words a minute. Can you do that Kristine? Thanks for your kind tip, but no. Also what is gogle and who is Fejlando? Hang on a minute. Is that you Paddy? Is gogle actually Take Me Out? Is Fejlando the sunny island of Fernado’s Actually, I don’t want to know. No lightey, no likey”

The next spam was from Jack, I liked Jack and very nearly released him.

“Hey!!
This is an amazing share.
I am soo pleased to found your page.
Thanks buddy for sharing this information.
Keep doing good work!!”

Jack!!”

This is how I would engage with lovely Jack -

“Hey, right back at ya Jack!! Something tells me you are quite the excitable fella, I’m not sure what gave that away!! Thanks for saying it was an amazing share, but I’m confused, what am I sharing? Do you mean my opinions? If so, then you are welcome Jack!! However, I should point out that I don’t share everything. Do you get my drift, Jack? Yes, I share my pudding with no man. Sorry, this reply isn’t making much sense. It could be spam! I digress. Can I ask you your surname? In my head I am talking to Jack Sparrow. Does that make sense? You seem like you could be the Jack Sparrow. Eeeks, I have Sparrow in my spam. I’m so sorry that you ended up in there Jack. I hope you stayed away from Jim. Very dubious fella, he keeps trying to get me to take Viagra. I bet you were scared in there, were you thinking- did no one come to save me just because they missed me? Don’t worry Jack, I didn’t miss you. Oh Jack, why did you call me buddy. I hate the term buddy, it just seems so insincere, which is a shame because I know that you are super sincere!! See you later!!”

Then Jim tried to get in on the action -

“Hey, I have Viagra, guaranteed to see you good time”

My response -

“Do one Jim, I am offended that 1) you think I want Viagra and 2) you think I need Viagra.

I then had the most delightful comment from Alan -

“I view something genuinely interesting about your site so I bookmarked.”

Here is how I would reply -

“oh Alan, you old smoothie you. You seem nervous, do I scare you Alan? Relax, let that sentence flow. I like that you call my blog genuinely interesting. I bet you say that to all the blogs though. Do you Alan? Do you? I hope you haven’t been cheating on me Alan. Actually Alan, I think you are coming on too strong. It’s early days. We need to get to know each other better. There should be no bookmarking just yet. Play the field first, you go flirt with those other blogs, then come back and bookmark me. I will be here waiting. Always.”

Yes, my spam inbox is like a very dubious dinner party -

• I have the over friendly guest who proclaims his love for me,
• I have the guest who I seem to have annoyed and then
• I have the guest who seems to think it is appropriate to make judgments about my sex life.

I hope none of these turn up at Brit Mums 😉 I know that spam is annoying and that they are all liars, all trying to con us out of something. I was promised a gold rolex watch last month and I am still awaiting its arrival. However, I can’t help but find my spam box amusing. They make me laugh. I have grown strangely fond of Jim, Jack, Alan and Kristine. However, I will not be releasing them.

Jim, Jack, Alan and Kristine,

Thank you for your most amazing comments!! I wish I could set you free but I am bookmarking you to spam. No hard feelings, I love you guys, long time.

Ps stay away from Chris, we call him a troll.

Does spam make you laugh?